Horny and PMSing

Friday, September 04, 2009

Question

Is it safe to have sex on your period? My boyfriend is reluctant to do much with me when I am bleeding. But I have pretty bad cramps, and I know that when I masturbate, they go away. I want him to fuck me so I can stop hurting! Some good sex would help with the mood swings, too. As it is, I have doubts about our relationship during my period. We usually have a fight, and a few days later, I can't remember why or how it started. This makes me feel like I am being emotionally abusive with him. But when he denies me sex, it makes me feel rejected, like I am something disgusting. Menstruation is a normal process. All healthy women do it. But he seems convinced that he will somehow hurt me. I don't know—it's hard to get him to talk about it. I don't want to look forward to years of being with this man with a week of every month off limits for sex!!

Answer

I wish your guy had written to me instead of you. Then hopefully we'd have more of a clue about what the heck is going on with him. I can throw out some suggestions, but Goddess knows if any of them will hit the bull's-eye. Maybe you can show him this letter and ask him to point if he recognizes himself in anything below.

Women tend to take their periods for granted as a regular part of life. No big deal. You make sure you have your favorite pads or tampons on hand, or a cup or sponge if you just gotta be different, and some Advil and chocolate. Problem solved.

But step outside of your own body for a second and remember what blood usually means. Blood is usually a signal that the body has been wounded. It is a crisis. Bloodshed demands immediate examination and treatment. If you lose enough blood, you can die.

Combine that with a fear of castration, which men almost universally possess. When men imagine periods, they visualize bleeding from their own genitals. And that could only happen if somebody had cut their penis or testicles. This is enough to make many otherwise woman-loving men want to scream, pick up the nearest weapon, run away, and throw up. Simultaneously.

Since you have bad cramps, he won't be reassured if you tell him that menstrual blood is a normal part of life. He will associate it even more strongly with pain and injury. (And for many women, menstrual cramps are agonizing. Doctors do not take this problem seriously enough, as a rule. And employers make no allowance for the condition.)

You and your boyfriend are stuck in a stalemate where the differences between your bodies, which are normally cause for arousal and celebration, are instead causing alienation and upset. I also wonder if your boyfriend is one of those folks who get dizzy or perhaps even faint when they see blood. If so, he's going to need the help of a therapist with the training to treat severe anxiety.

If he wants to work on this, let him take small steps. The first one would be laying down with you while you have your period, and cuddling you, putting his hand on your stomach to warm it up, perhaps rubbing your shoulders. The second step would be continuing to hold you while you masturbate to orgasm. Let him see that sex helps to relive your tension and pain. After you come, make sure to give him a good blowjob or some other exciting treatment. Associating orgasm with you as a menstruating woman is a good reinforcer.

Does he need education about menstruation? For example, many men imagine that women are bleeding pints of blood. They don't know that it's a relatively small quantity. They also don't understand the hormonal patterns that create the mood swings. The chemicals released by an orgasm are indeed a powerful way to break up cramps and restore emotional balance.

If he is worried about contact with blood, reassure him that he never has to touch or taste it. Can he put on a glove and gently cup and massage your external genitals? He can touch you as much as he is comfortable, then you can take over and get yourself off. Maybe he can stimulate your breasts while you are masturbating. Sometimes it can be fun to set a clock to go off every ten minutes, at which point you switch, so that the other person is getting all the attention. This kind of teasing builds arousal to a powerful high.

Condoms can also prevent contact with blood. Reassure him that your uterus has not changed position. It hasn't dropped closer to your vaginal opening. There will be room for his penis, and it won't damage anything inside of you. He may have to take extra time to insert his penis, and let you get used to it more slowly than you usually do, but once you get into it, the sex can be hotter than it usually is. Women who feel horny during their periods are really fun to fuck, in my humble and perverted opinion! Women who don't feel horny during this time should be given cups of tea, mystery novels, and foot rubs.

If he never wants to have intercourse while you are bleeding, negotiate for some other type of sex. Both of you can still have orgasms and keep feeling close to each other. A big sheet of plastic wrap can be used to cover your vulva so he can go down on you without tasting any blood.

I don't think men understand how insecure many women feel about their attractiveness or the acceptability of their bodies. Our society judges women so much more harshly than men. It doesn't take much to make your girl feel that you think she is a nasty wreck. He needs to get that when he gets all weird and squeamish, he is sending you a message that your femaleness upsets and repulses him. That's not okay.

I hope some of this is helpful. Fear of STDs might also be upsetting him. But if you have been tested for everything, you can't give him any disease, no matter how heavily you are bleeding. Still, use of barriers is an option, and I hope you can accept that as a compromise, if it means you are gettin' some. Good luck!