Horny for SeXXX

Friday, October 28, 2005

Question

I want to start watching porn with my wife. I know that it turns her on, although she won't openly admit it. Most of the porn movies are geared to men. Although they are arousing, I find them offensive to women. Are there any good quality porn movies geared for women that you can recommend? Something with quality production, story, and explicit angle shots that would get my woman nice and wet and willing to jump my bone!

Answer

Before I talk to you about porn for your wife, I want to comment that you're presuming a lot on behalf of her sexuality. You say that she gets turned on by porn, even though she won't admit it. What if she's just putting up with the occasional X-rated video and then moving on to sex with you as quickly as possible so you will turn the damn thing off? Then you go on to decide what sort of porn is offensive to women! How the H-E-double-toothpicks do you know? Maybe she likes the grossest anal sex, cum shots to the face, crawl and beg to get fucked and call yourself my bitch stuff. Or maybe she doesn't respond to visual stimuli at all.

The traditional wisdom has it that men get turned on to visual porn (pictures in magazines, DVDs of sexual encounters) and women do not. Women are assumed to respond more strongly to the written word than men do—or to no erotica whatsoever. I have questions about these truisms because I don't think anyone has done any convincing research to settle that question. I did notice that when I started taking testosterone as part of my gender transition, I became a lot more responsive to drawings or photographs of sex. Pornography had always turned me on, both written and visual, but a dirty movie got me harder a lot faster when I had more androgens in my system.

But I'm only one person. And that's the problem here as well. We actually don't need to determine how women versus men respond to erotica. Because you only need to turn one person on, that isn't even relevant. Your wife could be like most other women, or she could be completely different. Even in a representative sample, some members of that sample will deviate from the mean.

Candida Royalle has produced a series of X-rated flicks that were scripted with women viewers in mind. She eliminated the traditional "let me pull out and spooge in your face" cum shots, and developed the plot and characters more than in the traditional blue movie. See if you can get your wife to go to the local video store with you and check out what's available for rent. If she won't accompany you, try to pick out a sample of different things and bring them home, then see how she reacts. I think it is very hard to find out what somebody likes sexually if they won't speak up for themselves. It's certainly true that many women feel that they should behave as if sex was the last thing on their minds, and they don't like porn at all. Meanwhile, they are often longing for sex and getting turned on by the porn even if they also disapprove of it.

So you're in a very awkward situation. I don't think you can move forward much if your wife won't improve her communication with you. I wish there was one magic movie I could recommend that would guarantee that your bed was smokin'. But sex is too complicated for that. Maybe she likes seeing two girls together, maybe two guys, maybe a mix. Maybe she likes to watch a woman being fucked from behind, or a film in which the guy is tied up and has to give a dominant woman a thorough pussy licking session. Your hands are certainly tied unless she gives you a clue.

And that's really sad. I think that the biggest sexual problem straight men have is the silence of straight women. There are so many guys who want nothing more than to be good in bed. But they don't automatically understand how women's bodies work, and they aren't sure where or how to touch their partners. They don't want to be selfish or lousy lays, but when we don't know what the other person wants, we naturally fall back on doing what we know we like. And for a lot of straight guys, that's a simple fuck, followed by deep and instant sleep.

I know it's hard for women to become sexually empowered. But it's your body and your orgasm, and if you don't give the guy you are with a clue, he is driving blindfolded. Even if you don't know what you like, you can promise to try something out and give him good feedback about how it makes you feel. For example, take oral sex. The idea of having your clit licked might sound interesting, but you don't know if you can come that way. But you can say to him, "Honey, would you maybe try kissing my clit? I'd really like to know what it feels like to have you licking me down there." Then you can respond, either verbally or by making a noise or moving your hips, when he does something you like. It's best to say in simple words: "Wow, do that again" or "Ouch, not so hard."

This response began rather harshly, so I hope you will understand by the rest of the reply that I am on your side and would like to help you to have a better sex life. Most women would kill to have a partner who is as invested as you are in your wife's gratification. I hope she realizes how lucky she is and opens up more to you about the slippery, pulsing road to her arousal and satisfaction.