Thursday, September 15, 2011


I am an almost 30 year-old heterosexual male and just coming out of my first failed marriage that was in a nutshell "not very sexual". We were together sense we were young   and now that I am playing the field I find myself in a bit of distress. Since I entered puberty I have found myself becoming sexually excited by pain and being embarrassed or treated like a toy by the opposite sex. This obviously means I have masochistic tendencies but now that I have reached sexual maturity and have this newfound freedom, I think that this may be the real deal for me.

The past few sexual partners that I have had have been older, strong and forceful woman who enjoyed "taking the wheel" as I enjoyed being dominated, but they don't seem to understand my needs or what I am interested in and to be perfectly honest neither do I.

My question is what should I do to explore my sexuality both safely and legally. I'm new at all of this and don't want to get seriously hurt or end up in a bad situation. Is there some sort of support group or local spots that you can suggest to me? Or in general what you would suggest somebody in my situation do? Most of my experience has been that passive male sexual partners get a bad reputation and this is no midlife crisis or experiment—it's simply the way I have always been but never really known how to deal with it. Please help before I end up doing something stupid.


Just as a caveat, even if I give you flawless advice, I cannot be held accountable for your impending stupidity. No matter what I say you will do something stupid. Why? Because being attracted to a person, a thing or an idea makes you do stupid things, regardless of whether any of these things has erotic appeal. In fact, when you add erotic appeal to the mix, stupidity is guaranteed. Necessary, even.

So then, already you have had the good fortune of connecting with some older women who “took the wheel”. Did they not understand your needs because they were uninformed about such matters or because you were patiently waiting for their Coug-dar (also known as this fantasy young men have that older women can discern their deepest desires simply by catching scent of their youthful flesh) to kick in? You do not have to have to be able to articulate your desires with perfect language and diagrams in order to explain what you like. You know the things you think about when you masturbate? Make a list of them and no matter how improbable or impractical they may seem, I can guarantee there is someone out there who will fulfill them, for love or money.

For example should you determine you enjoy the possibility of being roasted like a pig on a spit: look no further than La Domaine: Just be sure to begin saving your money straight away.

And it’s been at least six years since I’ve mentioned my favourite fetishist online (and folks, he only gets more handsome and adorable with age) but here’s Buster the balloon guy:

Paying someone for sexual services is not illegal in our country, Hurtme—just do not engage their services in a public place, profit financially off their services, or visit them at a location known, in the language of laws that are over a century old, as a bawdyhouse. When it comes to services rendered by a dominatrix, this may seem like a ridiculously impossible task but it’s not. If you are hell bent on remaining within the letter of the law, you can certainly find yourself a dominant who is willing to visit you at a private location.

You may even hire someone who is well versed in BDSM practices to discuss your curiosity in advance. Those who practice BDSM professionally are very likely to be able to ask you questions about your interest. With very few exceptions, it is unlikely that they haven’t heard of what you may only be able to express in vague terms and tease it out of you, so to speak.

A dating/meeting/chatting website that will interest you is I will also suggest looking up Andrea Zanin at She gives excellent insights into BDSM and also teaches highly regarded workshops.

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