I don't think you understand what attraction means

Thursday, August 23, 2018


I don't think you understand what attraction means
by Tobi Hill-Meyer

I don’t think you understand what ‘attraction’ means. If you really aren’t attracted to trans women, why don’t you leave us alone?

You complain that trans women want to ‘trick’ you into having sex with them, so clearly worried that some girl you’re hot for might turn out to be trans. You run through a dozen hypothetical scenarios, dealing out judgment and explaining exactly when and how trans women should disclose. You talk through which sex acts you would be most repulsed by, and how important it is for everyone to protect you from falling into that scenario. Seriously, I don’t know about everyone else, but I don’t spend this much time talking and thinking about having sex with people I’m not attracted to.

When confronted about your transphobia, your standard response is: “I’m just not attracted to trans women, there’s nothing wrong with that.” But the whole scenario you’re focusing on is the possibility that someone you are attracted to turns out to be trans, and you’d go into a rage. If you were not attracted to trans women, wouldn’t you have never gone on a date with her to begin with? Because of, you know, not being attracted to her?

How is it that you ended up arguing with a dozen trans women on social media? Somehow you managed to keep up with each of them and know them by name, all so you can better harass them. You leave little remarks on their page about how they are tricking people into sex.

They say the opposite of attraction isn’t repulsion but indifference, and you’re not acting like someone who is indifferent to trans women. Did you really just say you’re not attracted to trans women for the fourth time in this conversation? I’m beginning to wonder that it’s not me you’re trying to convince, but yourself.

I’m willing to bet that if we could thoroughly explore your computer and your internet history, we’d find some trans porn on there. What? Is that “Research?” Oh, I forgot. It’s “evidence.” You’ve got screen caps of at least fifty trans women’s OKCupid pages and downloaded copies of their Fetlife photos—all documented with name, age, and location so that you can post them to your own website and “warn” other people so no one is “tricked” into having sex with them. Scouring the internet, you relish every nude pic you can find, each posted to the front page of your site with a triumphant Look! It’s a penis! And she calls herself a woman—HA!

Usually when someone is not attracted to me, they don’t give it a second thought. They move on with the rest of their life and allow me to move on with mine. But you? You track down my personal Internet accounts so you can continue the argument we got into after I left. You go through things I posted on Tumblr three years ago. You look through my online dating profiles from 2010 and run reverse Google image searches to see where else my risqué photos may have been. You check legal name change records in my county to try to find my “real” name. You look up where I work so you can call my boss and tell them that they hired a pervert. You write what amounts to fan fiction about how many cocks you’re imagining I suck and send it to the city council and the school board until their lawyers send you a cease and desist letter. (Seriously, that really happened to me!)

There’s nothing wrong with incidentally not being attracted to me, but that’s not what’s going on here. I’m not saying you are attracted to me, but in your repulsion you’ve become obsessed with me and others like me. That obsession is what’s dangerous, and it’s fueled by some deep-seated fascination that has a lot more to do with your feelings than it has to do with anything I’ve done.

So, let’s be clear—I’m rejecting you, right here and now. I will never have sex with you. If you’re really not attracted to me, then you won’t care. If you feel relief, if you feel anxiety, if you feel insulted, then there’s something else going on. And you need to go take care of it by yourself.

Don’t involve me.

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