I Just Don't Get It

Friday, April 29, 2011


Why would a lesbian use a dildo? If you want to be with women, be with women. If you like dildos, shouldn't you just have sex with a guy? If a woman likes getting a dildo used on her, doesn't that imply she is bisexual? I work in an adult bookstore where we sell tons of these things, mostly to dudes. So when a woman comes in, I always wonder what her deal is, especially if she's got that dykey look.



Oh, that is true on so many levels that I must bite my lip and remind myself to be open-hearted and kind to all who come to inquire at my shrine. The Gods of Sexual Wisdom are fond of saying, “There is no such thing as a stupid question.” As their mouthpiece, I must obey. But I cannot resist reminding you that not every woman with short hair or a leather jacket is a lesbian. There are butch-looking straight or bisexual women, and feminine lesbian or bisexual women. In all fairness, I must also thank you for asking me this question rather than your female customers.

The only requirement for using a dildo is a fondness for penetration—giving, receiving, or both. A woman who desires or falls in love with other women may relish vaginal or anal sex. The sensation of being filled up, the slight friction of an in-and-out or twisting motion, and the blissful power of manipulating an object that gives your partner pleasure are not the property of any single sexual orientation or gender. Men who like getting fucked are still men, and lesbians who like getting fucked are still lesbians.

Bisexuality is the potential to feel sexual desire or romantic affection for both men and women. That label describes the gender of ones' partner, not the sexual techniques the bisexual individual enjoys using with him or her. I've met bisexual women who don't like penetration and some who think it's fab. I should also point out that some of the women who like penetration do not like dildos. They prefer tongues or fingers. 

You are making the common mistake of equating a dildo with a penis. It might be more helpful to think of a dildo as being vagina-shaped, rather than phallic. The toy exists to fill a need, to stimulate a G-spot, titillate a cervix, or dilate the walls of the internal sex organs. I believe that if men did not have penises, dildos would still exist. Somebody would invent a magic wand to tickle and sooth the burning within.

Some evidence for my case exists in the form of non-penile dildos. A significant group of sex toy consumers want dildos that do not remind them of the male sex organs. This allows them to be enthusiastic fuckers, without the risk of being reminded of body parts they may find distasteful. Every sex act has a multiplicity of meanings that can only be understood by consulting with a specific practitioner.

Granted, a dildo can be used as a substitute for a penis. It can be a masturbation aid in a fantasy about prolonged intercourse with a handsome man who behaves much better than the ordinary men one has met so far that day. Dildos are used by men with penises that are too small for penetration, or by men who have problems getting erect or staying erect. In that case, they are prostheses that substitute for his physical organ. They can also be used by non-men who want to fantasize about having a penis or getting fucked by one. 

This, I think, may be where most of your confusion comes from. Why would two women pretend to be a heterosexual couple? If you can enjoy a fantasy about having sex with a man, doesn't that mean you are bisexual or even straight? No. No, it does not. No, no, no.

Let me try to explain. The “man” in such fantasies has little relationship to a real human male. The fantasy “man” has the intuition of a woman, about another woman's body. He gets hard and stays hard only because his phallus is needed. A dildo gives and gives without asking anything for itself. It has no agenda about reinforcing the patriarchy or proving you can't live without it. There is no risk of a sexually-transmitted infection or pregnancy. Getting fucked by a dildo is centered only on the receiver's pleasure. And all the while, the bottom is able to see and hear the female partner she trusts to wield this implement. No matter how intense the fantasy might be, the ground or context for it is lesbian. Most of the women who like dildo fucking would not accept the offer of male companionship, no matter how experienced or well-endowed. 

Your customers know their own sexuality better than you do. Unless she wants a man, her sexuality is non-hetero, even if she buys every dildo in the sticky glass counter. 


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