Junior Lesbian Danger

Monday, March 07, 2011


I’ve known I was queer ever since I was 12. Fortunately, growing up with this truth, coming out to my parents and being open about my queerness in general was never a problem. I’ve always loved my queerness!

However, over the years and through circumstance and excess availability, I suppose, I’ve mainly only found myself in long-​term relationships with cisgendered men. Ironically, I’m in fact more attracted to women than I am to men, at one point identifying as strictly a lesbian, but so far have never really had the opportunity to embrace that part of myself. Now in my mid 20s, I feel like a virgin all over again.

I look forward to being with women and celebrating that part of my sexuality, but so far I’m finding myself feeling shy and insecure about my abilities, or lack thereof. I’m not promiscuous, having learned long ago that I only enjoy sleeping with people with whom I’m in love. Thus I find myself single for long periods of time between long-​term relationships, which is totally fine with me!

I just hope to avoid falling into a long-​term relationship with another man, still not having indulged my significant attraction to women. Of course, love is love, and I recognize that I essentially fall in love with people’s souls, not their genitals... but I guess I just don’t want to find myself in my 40s, still a virgin in terms of my lesbian self.


Well, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you have the tortuous, oblique processing part of being a lesbian down pat. Phew! Also, props to you for embracing contemporary queer gender argot with such ease – very considerate!

Now, let us take a seat on my comfy beanbag with our peppermint tea and talk frankly about “celebrating” being a lesbian.

Virgin, as someone whose sexual path took a similar trajectory (long-​term relationships with men, dalliances with women, queer as fuck from the get-​go), I will say frankly that you may only be prepared for the emotional intensity of full-​time lesbianism as you approach your middle age. Despite years of groundwork, I still found myself, at 40, quite under-​prepared for the swirling vortex of womanlove. As I said to my therapist a few months ago, “Honestly, being a lesbian is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Why is everyone so worried about how the sex trade affects women? That was a cakewalk compared to this.”

Are you really ready? Have you studied your Junior Lesbian Ranger Handbook? Had a good long listen to Girl On The Road by Ferron? I just want you to be aware that some traditions in dyke culture may take a certain maturity (and for my part, medication) to be handled with any grace or dignity.

Add to that the fact that the level of yearning you are embodying at the moment may make your quarry rather tense. As the Born Ruffians song This Sentence Will Ruin/Save Your Life goes, “I need a girlfriend, I’m lonely / someone to love me and fuck me / I need to get laid immediately / but also someone to fulfill my needs.”

Aside from the fact that the title of this song very aptly describes the curse/blessing of lesbianism, the lyrics themselves seem to provide a good picture of your current emotional state: I need to be a lesbian right now. Right now.

Teasing aside, you are allowed, at any age, to be a clumsy lover, make a scene at the Henhouse and write a poem in which you compare someone’s vagina to the sea, a bivalve mollusk or a twilit street.

And don’t forget, as my wise friend Anne (who has the good lesbian fortune of being in a relationship with a woman who shares her name) says, “We become such navel-​gazers, we forget the simple pleasures like flirting because we are so goal-​oriented.”

Welcome, Virgin. Here are some links you may find helpful: goodreads.com/book/show/257158The_Whole_Lesbian_Sex_Book; nomorepotlucks.org; the519.org; superdyke.com.

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