Keys on the Right

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Question

Dear Patrick: I've had a regular trick for a couple of years now, and the guy is beginning to get on my nerves. He never calls first, just shows up and asks if I've got any beer. Then he flops down on my sofa and asks me to put in a “hot DVD.” I've got exactly one—count it, one—straight porn DVD. (A friend gave it to me as a “gag gift” on my first 29th birthday.) He tells me to go get a beer for myself (as if I can't do that in my own house), then waits for me to join him. I can't tell you how many times he has watched the same five minutes of this incredibly bad movie before he suggests I might be able to help him with his “horny problem.” For him, foreplay consists of taking out his hard cock and waving it in my face.

            Yes, it is a very nice cock. Yes, I do like sucking dick. I am a gay man, after all. It used to be a rush; I felt like I was doing something scandalous. Now I just feel irritated and used. It's always the same thing, and it is always one-sided. I've gotten to the point where I want to wave my hard-on in HIS face. Since I am a total bottom, that gives you a glimpse of the last raw nerve he's working.

            At the very least, I want to confront him with his hypocrisy. No straight man can keep it up while ramming it down another guy's throat. He's a self-hating homo who needs to come out. What do you think?

Answer

How do we define sexual orientation? Is it determined by how a person labels themselves, or should it be based on their behavior? Remember that two people can engage in identical sexual behavior, but it means completely different things to each of them. To a self-identified gay man, sucking cock is a confirmation of his identity and usually feels great. To a self-identified heterosexual, it can be (excuse the term) an aberration, something he does with an excuse (my wife won't do it, I'm really thinking about chicks, I need the money, I want the drugs, I'll never do it again) that will preserve his straight self-image. Both parties are, as is usual in these debates, ignoring the existence of bisexuality as an equally valid category.

            No matter how articulate I am when I tell other people what is wrong with them, I have never experienced any gratitude for my piercing insights. Waving your cock in his face might get you a punch in the nose—or worse. Since you have participated in this ritual for two years, he has every reason to believe it is agreeable to and perhaps even highly valued by you.

            It would never occur to him to reciprocate. Straight men have been demanding blow jobs from women for centuries without returning the favor. If it feels good to him, he assumes it feels good to his partner. He doesn't understand that the same thing that gets him off is not also a source of pleasure for you.

            If you really want to have mutual sex with this guy, you need to give him a head's up. Warn him that you want to have a serious conversation that may go outside of his comfort zone. Explain that you also have physical needs, or tell him you want to try something different that includes some physical attention for you. He might be surprised but willing to give it a try. He might swear at you and leave. But be prepared for a violent rejection. If he is at all insecure about his own sexuality, he could blow up at you to reassert his dominance and create as much distance as possible between the two of you.

            Male sexuality is a very powerful force. Desire often takes people into places they don't understand and may not even like. Because of the fickle nature of the penis, men of all sexual orientations have been meeting each other for sex in the gray zone, I would guess for millions of years. Literally. These encounters have followed a certain script for much of the industrial and post-industrial eras. A self-identified gay man who agrees to have sex with guys who don't necessarily perceive themselves as gay is taking a risk. The rule that you do not call your rough trade a homo was created to protect the gay man from getting bashed. As long as he can get off and leave without being made to feel like a deviant, you can have a limited amount of contact with him.

            If the thrill is gone, why not let him down as gently as you would any other trick who had palled? Install a security system and don't buzz him into your building. If that's too big an investment and you have the balls for a low level of confrontation, tell him you have quit drinking and there's no more beer available. Hand him the porn he likes so much and gently shut the door.

            Then ask yourself why you have worked yourself up into this state of righteous indignation. I find it hard to believe you would do something for two years that was deeply, morally or politically repugnant to you. You, too, have been playing in the gray zone, inviting Eros to rearrange your categories and put you at risk. Most of us enjoy feeling naughty as long as we don't have to sacrifice any of our most treasured delusions about ourselves or get punished by the stigma of public exposure. What were you looking for when you first sank to your knees in front of his erection? Do you still want whatever that was? Is there a better way to go about getting it so you don't wind up feeling used and resentful?