Kinky, Not Crazy

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Question

I'm a 38-year-old male bedroom submissive hoping to meet a kind, friendly, ethical, sane, smart, sociable girlfriend who just happens to have a dominant side in the bedroom. I've looked at dating sites for people in the fet/BDSM scene, but some of the people on these sites sound certifiably insane. Even the ones who aren't Satan worshippers "looking for full-time slaves" seem to define themselves mainly (often wholly) in terms of their sexuality.

I've got my fair share of harmless kinks and fetishes, but sex is only one part (albeit a really fun part) of what I deem to be a well-balanced life. I yearn for an egalitarian friend and life-partner I can bring home to mom, not someone who lives and breathes for the fetish scene. I want a girlfriend with a passion for books, movies, travel, current events, romantic walks, wide-ranging conversations, etc., not a weirdo fixated on brown showers and the Son of Sam.

I'm sure there are sexually dominant women out there who feel the same way I do; how would you recommend I go about finding them?

Well-balanced sub looking for love

Answer

While it's true that a lot of tops you'll come across online have certain immediate and grueling expectations of subs (though this doesn't necessarily make them insane, just aware of their own needs and wants) I am surprised you haven't met ones who are more moderate and expressive about their hobbies outside the bedroom. Have you tried Fetlife (fetlife.com)? Even joining one of the zillions of groups and starting up a discussion might lead you to some interesting possibilities and there are some very experienced and balanced players on this site. Give that a go. I would suggest that no mater which site you choose, you tone down your attitude about Satanists, Sons of Sam and skat play. In a cyber dating context, openly criticizing peoples' online personas and fetishes just because they don't appeal to you and setting yourself against people as though what you project and enjoy is more valid isn't going to win you any friends. All kinks are harmless when they are negotiated consensually—if yours are more common it doesn't make them more so—shit and let shit in someone's mouth, so to speak.

You might also try dating sites that don't have such a predominant focus on BDSM like Plenty of Fish (plentyoffish.com) where the profile set-up permits you to state all your pastimes in and outside of the bedroom. I know a few people who have had success hooking up with folks who share both their intellectual and intimate interests in this venue. Again though, try to ease up on the "am-I-the-only-not-crazy-person-who-likes-BDSM-out-there?" stance. Stating your wants without critiquing others makes you much more attractive.