Laid Over

Friday, January 22, 2010

Question

I am a 26-year old straight guy who hadn't had sex for more than a year. Reading your column is really entertaining to me but whatever problem people seem to have, they always have a great sex life. Most of the questions I see are about the pros and cons of infidelity, dealing with threesomes, etc. To me, just the idea of having sex with someone arouses me and I wish I could have some of the "problems" people seem to have.

I have tried many things already to break that year of boring chastity: online dating, going to clubs and talking to girls I know. All of this without success. While I consider hiring an escort, I'm not really comfortable with the fact that I might get addicted to it and waste a lot of money. I heard about swinging (not for singles), random encounters and sex chatrooms where you can meet people for so-called NSA. Craigslist is full of fakes unfortunately, since it's the kind of stuff I'd like to try. I'm running out of ideas and it bothers me. Like a lot. 

Starved Man

Answer

Would it help you to know that the person to whom you're posing this question hasn't had sex in five months and that this dry spell likely won't end for quite some time? What I'm saying Starved, is that even those of us in the sex trenches on a daily basis go through periods where we feel invisible or undesirable. Granted, I've been heartbroken and batshit crazy for several months too so that's not helping my erotic appeal. You can't wipe that stink off no matter how much fancy lingerie you throw at it.

My guess is that you could get laid but you probably have certain personal standards that are impeding your prospects. Judging by my own experience and those of friends, Craig's List is not completely overrun by fakes so it's possible that you are lured in by ads snuck on the dating areas by professionals. Because they're fucking cute, right? With their crop tops and belly piercings and tans, doing the sideways smooch with their BFFs. Yes, honey, those are hookers, not girls on a level playing field with you. Try the ads with the more realistic looking women, open your mind to variety, avoid the ones that abuse the caps (translation: BANANAS) and you may have better luck. And what does your ad look like? I could probably assist you with that too, if you want to send some copy along I'll help you write one that's a little more appealing.

What you're asking is probably the most common question any sex columnist gets and after so many years on the beat both professionally and personally, I've got no definitive answer to it. I'm sure you've heard all the clichés: that you reek of desperation, that you're trying too hard, that love will find you when you least expect it. These are all vague truisms with an underlying implication about an "energy" you're putting out. Okay fine, if we're going to conspire knowingly but abstractly to perpetuate these esoteric bits of wisdom, perhaps we should turn to a qualified mystic to elaborate on them a little. Abigail McCullough is a master in intuition medicine. I asked her if she could read energy off an email and she said she could so I sent her yours. Here's what she said:

"It makes it a little difficult as I can't do direct consultation as it were with his spirit. What I sense energetically from the email though is this: there is a big fear around sex for him that makes it inaccessible. I see him looking at it like a cookie jar on a shelf that's out of reach and I sense mom's energy interfering. It's quite common for children to run their mother's energy around sex until they learn how to break the pattern. Sometimes we have embedded fears around sex and patterns of shame that are hard to release. If he wants the cookie, he needs to know it's okay to take the jar down and that it's okay to enjoy the yummy cookie. He won't get punished."

So Starved, here is your game plan, still somewhat abstruse but a little more fleshed out: dispense with the Norman Bates business, throw your calendar and your agenda away and just get out there.

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