A Lesbian With Options

Friday, February 18, 2011

Question

Well, I can certainly understand why somebody who put up with no-orgasm sex for several years would be extremely reluctant to give up a reliable way to get off. I'm sure you can too. Let me suggest to you and your lover, however, that sex is rarely a matter of “either/or.” Sex is more accurately described as “what next?” This is especially true for women, who are physically capable of multiple orgasms without the biologically-mandated refractory period that prevents men who've just come from getting an erection until they've had a bit of down time, so to speak.

There's a simple technique for learning how to come with a new form of stimulation. Keep the vibrator for the big finish. The idea is for her to allow you to use your hand, mouth, or some other “accessory” to tease her and please her until she just can't stand it any more. Then she can reach for the vibrator and get off. Eventually, she will be able to wait longer and longer for the electrical toy to be switched on, and some day she will surprise herself and you by coming with oral sex or whatever.

Being with a partner who pleases themselves while ignoring your needs does some damage to a woman's ability to trust. It may seem to her that any form of lovemaking will be like that. You will do what you want to do to her body, without regard for her pleasure, until you decide it's time to stop, because you have gotten what you want. It's very important for her to feel that she has a right to control what is happening and respect what her body is telling her. A small minority of women don't actually enjoy anything other than using a vibrator. Their partners need to accept this, if possible, and see the vibrator as part of the couple's activities instead of just an accessory for masturbation.

Are you concerned about your partner's use of the vibrator because she is being a big old pillow queen? It's one thing for her to say, “I don't actually like getting my pussy licked” and quite another for her to say, “I don't want to do anything to help you get turned on and achieve release.” If that's the problem, you need to do more than just add to her sexual options when she's being receptive to stimulation. She needs to learn to get off her bum and start making love like an Amazon.

While one reply from a columnist can't solve a big problem for a couple, I hope I have at least been able to point out some options that might make it easier for the two of you to figure out what is going on, and start making changes.

Answer

Well, I can certainly understand why somebody who put up with no-orgasm sex for several years would be extremely reluctant to give up a reliable way to get off. I'm sure you can too. Let me suggest to you and your lover, however, that sex is rarely a matter of “either/or.” Sex is more accurately described as “what next?” This is especially true for women, who are physically capable of multiple orgasms without the biologically-mandated refractory period that prevents men who've just come from getting an erection until they've had a bit of down time, so to speak.

There's a simple technique for learning how to come with a new form of stimulation. Keep the vibrator for the big finish. The idea is for her to allow you to use your hand, mouth, or some other “accessory” to tease her and please her until she just can't stand it any more. Then she can reach for the vibrator and get off. Eventually, she will be able to wait longer and longer for the electrical toy to be switched on, and some day she will surprise herself and you by coming with oral sex or whatever.

Being with a partner who pleases themselves while ignoring your needs does some damage to a woman's ability to trust. It may seem to her that any form of lovemaking will be like that. You will do what you want to do to her body, without regard for her pleasure, until you decide it's time to stop, because you have gotten what you want. It's very important for her to feel that she has a right to control what is happening and respect what her body is telling her. A small minority of women don't actually enjoy anything other than using a vibrator. Their partners need to accept this, if possible, and see the vibrator as part of the couple's activities instead of just an accessory for masturbation.

Are you concerned about your partner's use of the vibrator because she is being a big old pillow queen? It's one thing for her to say, “I don't actually like getting my pussy licked” and quite another for her to say, “I don't want to do anything to help you get turned on and achieve release.” If that's the problem, you need to do more than just add to her sexual options when she's being receptive to stimulation. She needs to learn to get off her bum and start making love like an Amazon.

While one reply from a columnist can't solve a big problem for a couple, I hope I have at least been able to point out some options that might make it easier for the two of you to figure out what is going on, and start making changes.

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