Lonely Student

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Question

I'm a 23-year-old black man who is working part-time and going to college full-time. I don't have a steady relationship with a woman and have never had one that lasted more than a year. Do you think I could ever have a long-term relationship with a woman if oral sex was never involved? It seems like cunnilingus is a part of every porn movie I've ever seen, but it looks to me like the guys in question aren't really enjoying themselves very much. Do women really find this necessary? I just don't know if I could ever do such a thing. When I finish my education, I want to find the right woman, get married, and raise a family with her. But my parents were very unhappy with each other. They weren't sexually compatible. These days, why should a couple stay together if the sex isn't good?

Answer

Since many women are still not very assertive about their own sexual needs, and may not have any positive experience with cunnilingus, I'm sure you could find a sweetheart who would tell you it wasn't important to her. (There are also a few women out there who genuinely don't like this sex technique.) But I am concerned about leaving the matter there, because of all the potential enjoyment that you and your fiancé would miss out on. So let's go into this question in a little more depth.

I'm glad that porn features cunnilingus now, because it puts the idea of female sexual pleasure out there as a goal for every erotic encounter. Women have as much of a right — and a need — to get off as their partners. But very few porn movies provide a good lesson in eating pussy. Viewers should remember that porn actors' sex techniques are altered to allow effective camera angles. Sticking your tongue out as far as it will go and keeping as much distance between her inner lips and your face will only make your tongue dry out. When you go down on a girl, you use your whole face to please her. The tongue is great for singling out areas like in between the outer and inner lips, or up above the clitoral glans, tracing the folds of her clitoral hood. But the pressure of your face against her vulva also stimulates sexual structures deep beneath the tissue on either side of her outer lips. The bulbs of the clitoris are located there, and they swell up with blood during sexual excitement and become sensitive to pressure. There's also your nose, your lips, and your chin, all helping out.

If you find a girl you love and you want to do anything you can to make her happy, oral sex will probably seem a lot more attractive. It's important for both partners to be clean during such an intimate act. Shower or bathe together. A clean, healthy vagina does not have an unpleasant odor. I enjoy the intimacy of breathing in my partner's scent, and enjoy sampling how it changes as he or she becomes more aroused.

When you get into bed, take it slow and easy, the same way you would gradually build up the intensity of a kiss. The biggest mistake guys make is going after the clitoris too hard and too fast. If you hurt her, she'll wince away from you, and then it will be hard to get her to relax and enjoy the building sensations. Keep her trust by respecting the delicate structures of her vulva. She has as many nerve endings in her clit as you have in the head of your cock, but they are packed into a much smaller area. So lick above and below the pink bump itself rather than pummeling the head of her clit. See if she responds to an upward motion or a lick that goes side-to-side. If she moves or breathes deeply, try to remember what you were doing a second ago, and do it again. You might also want to point out that if she can bring herself to say, "Oh, that feels good, do that again," it's a big help.

Here's another trick of the trade: once women get close to orgasm, you have to keep on stimulating them during the climax, or they lose it. So don't stop till she tells you to. This applies to stimulation with your hand or cock as well as oral sex.

A woman who's been given an orgasm with cunnilingus will not be in a hurry to cross it off her list in the future! And just remember, if you're not getting your lips wet, you don't have any right to expect a blowjob from her. I'm not sure if you have objections to going down on a girl other than being afraid you will be grossed out or feeling nervous about your technique. Is oral sex in conflict with your religious beliefs? I believe a loving creator would want a husband and wife to enjoy one another's bodies. A rich, varied sex life is a wonderful way to let your wife know you want to comfort, value, and keep her. As you point out, these days, if a relationship is not sexually satisfying, it's not likely to be long-lasting.