Losing It

Friday, February 08, 2008

Question

I am a virgin at age 19 and do not know exactly what to expect during my first full sexual experience. I love my boyfriend very much, and he has been patient about waiting until I felt that the time is right. I would like to lose my virginity with him. I feel that he is my soul-mate, and he's a sensuous and gentle person. I don't want to tense up and make this a bad or boring experience for him. Any hints?

Answer

I am concerned that at age 19, you may not be experienced enough to determine whether this guy is the right one to partner you during your first experience with intercourse. Let me ask you this: If he had sex with you and then later broke up with you, would you be angry? Would you feel betrayed or tricked into losing your virginity? Make sure you are ready to move on to a new phase of your sex life before doing this. Do it for yourself, not for him. If you feel that you want to do it regardless of how this relationship turns out, make an appointment with your doctor or a family planning clinic, and decide what kind of birth control you are going to use.

Having said that, I also have to admit that being a virgin is a bit of a pain. The first time isn't usually a whole lot of fun, but you've certainly picked a better man and situation than most of the women I know. I'm glad he cares for you, and also treats your body with respect, but also knows how to give you pleasure.

I don't normally advocate combining sex with drugs or alcohol, but this is one situation where I think that a glass of wine or two might be a good idea. Whatever it takes to help you to relax. Start having sex with him the way you normally do—making out, partially removing clothing, etc. Before going any further, make sure you have a water-based lubricant on hand and effective birth control. Contrary to the high school myth, you can get pregnant the first time you "do it." Make sure the setting includes whatever you need to feel romantic—flowers, music, candles, melted chocolate, etc.

Touch each other's genitals before you have intercourse. He should stimulate your clitoris and engage in some initial penetration with a lubricated finger. I don't like to put my cock in anybody unless I can get three fingers in there, comfortably, to my partner's delight and satisfaction. If he can do that, you probably have a relatively thin hymen, or none at all, and you may experience little or no pain when his erection enters you fully. If not, he may need to be more forceful to enter you, and there may be more of a pinch. He should be using lubricant and a condom. Taking the pill or wearing a diaphragm does not protect you from HIV, herpes, genital warts, or anything else he might have. Be safe, and you'll be more likely to enjoy sex in the future.

Goal-oriented sex can be a setup for failure, and this may be one example of that precept. This should be seen as the first attempt at intercourse, not a commitment to make it happen no matter what. If you experience more pain than you can stand during penetration with his penis, he should stop, and both of you should use other methods to obtain orgasm. You'll need further manual stretching with his fingers or a sex toy to be able to tolerate a cock. A handful of women have very thick hymens that prevent them from inserting a tampon or a penis. Medical help is sometimes needed to remove these troublesome membranes.

Chances are good that you and your lover will be just fine. Don't be afraid to use your own hand on your clitoris, or a vibrator, if you like one, during penetration. The combination of clitoral stimulation with insertion of his hard cock can make pain disappear. If you don't come the first time, don't be disappointed—it can take some practice to make intercourse feel really great. And don't worry about disappointing him. This is one time when it is okay for the focus to be completely on you. I hope he agrees with me. There's absolutely no way that being somebody's first time could be boring, Losing It! You'll both remember this for the rest of your lives.

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