Love taps for 18 July 2008

Friday, July 18, 2008

Question

I'm not sure if you can demystify the problem we are having. We (us, a couple, guy and girl), well, we have been together for a while and we really want to express ourselves in more sexual ways. But ever since we've tried to make love, we have noticed we just can't seem to. It's nothing emotional. It's really a matter of size! It seems that the penis is too thick. Can it be resolved or can we ever make love to each other? Where do we go to get some answers?

Answer

Dear Stymied

The two of you can certainly make love in a variety of ways. You can enjoy full-body contact, massage, kissing, and stroking with hands. He can go down on you, and you can take the head of his cock in your mouth while using your hand to stimulate the part of the shaft that is too thick to insert. Don't devalue giving each other pleasure this way. Even couples who can have intercourse often find that oral and hand sex provide wonderful sensations of being teased, appreciated, and brought to peak release.

If you, the female half of this couple, have never had intercourse, I would suggest preparing yourself with smaller implements than your boyfriend's penis. See how it feels to have him use his fingers or a slender dildo. Make sure that the problem is the size of his cock and not a hymen that is only partially open. Some women find that the hymen is so tough that it would take a traumatic form of intercourse to remove it as an obstacle. Try to find a gentle, sex-positive gynecologist who can give you an exam and tell you if you are able to have intercourse. There is also a very rare but real problem for some women in which the vagina closes up when they try to have intercourse. This is called vaginismus, and it's painful but treatable with a program of gradual relaxation and dilation with larger and larger insertable devices. Your gynecologist will be able to tell if this is your problem, because he or she will not be able to insert a speculum or probably even a finger to complete your exam.

If you have had intercourse before and found that you were able to accommodate another man's penis, and your boyfriend's endowment exceeds your other partner's, then the focus has to be on somehow facilitating your being able to stretch to accommodate him. I'd recommend that he hold back and not try to insert himself until you are very well lubricated and practically begging for it. I'm talking about natural lubrication here, now—not the kind that comes from a bottle. You may still need a bit of extra artificial lube, but wait until your own juices start flowing, so you can use them as a barometer for how turned on you are.

The appearance of wetness is the first sign that a woman is aroused. But it doesn't mean she is immediately ready to be filled. If her lover continues to stroke her breasts, kiss her, touch her clitoris, and do the other things that turn her on, some internal changes will take place that make it easier to accept an erect cock. The uterus lifts up and back, creating an extra pocket of space at the end of the vagina.

Let your boyfriend insert only as much of his penis as you can comfortably take. He will need a lot of self-control to do this, and you'll need to be able to trust him. If he hurts you, you will start closing down any time he tries to penetrate you, and this will never work. He has to learn how to enjoy partial penetration until you can make room for him. He can hold onto his own cock and stroke the part of it that is not inside of you.

This may be enough to make it possible to progress to full intercourse and complete insertion of his erection. Or it may take weeks of practice and stretching for you to be happily full without distracting pain. The process can go a bit faster if you practice with a dildo during masturbation. See if you can find one shaped like your partner. If not, you may be able to find a kit that allows you to make a cast of his erection, and turn that into a dildo.

Please feel free to write to me again and let me know how you are doing. If you can let me know whether some of these suggestions worked or didn't work, I can cudgel my brain to come up with additional suggestions. Just remember that the vagina is a very flexible part of the body. Evolution has designed it to cope with the birth of infants who have very large heads. I hope the two of you can find a way to come together, so to speak. And do remember that practice doesn't have to be boring or mechanical—treat it as sexy fun, as a way to get to know one another better. Every lovemaking session should conclude with loving reassurance and orgasms, even if they don't come from intercourse.

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