Love Taps 24 June 2005

Friday, June 24, 2005

Question

Q

I'm a heterosexual woman who has recently dived into the wonderful world of sex, but I can't seem to get my boyfriend to come when I give him oral sex. He's trying to help me, but I can't seem to go "fast" enough for him. I'm not sure I know what he means when he says this, either. Is there anything that I can do to practice and surprise him later on with my newfound skill?

Answer

Sounds to me like your boyfriend is used to getting off a certain way when he masturbates, and he's having a hard time converting that experience into an orgasm during oral sex. Of course you can't suck him off as quickly as his own hand can move: you'd get whiplash! But it may be helpful for you to give him firmer stimulation with your mouth by sucking harder. The clitoris has a lot of nerve endings packed into a very small area, so it typically can't take as much pressure or friction as the shaft and head of the penis. Try sucking him harder, if not faster, and see if he finds it pleasurable. Lubricate your hand, and jerk him off while keeping part of his dick in your mouth. You can torment the head of his cock with your tongue while you work your wrist. That way, you are combining the quick tempo of a hand job or masturbation with the wet sensation of oral sex. If he still needs it to be faster, let him take over. Perhaps the real issue here is control, and it's just being hard for him to lose control at your behest. He can jerk off in your mouth, which will give him a sensation that is in between jerking off all alone and having nothing but oral sex. This also associates the two sensations and can be a part of training or conditioning his penis to ejaculate while you are sucking him.

Meanwhile, when he is jacking off, he needs to slow down and go a little easier on his dick. A lot of guys learn when they are kids that they have to toss themselves off in a hurry so they don't get caught. (They are also impatient, like most horny adolescent boys.) Boys who feel that they have to sneak around and hurry, hurry, hurry when they masturbate usually grow up to be men who need pretty frantic stimulation from their partners in order to come. But the great thing about jerking off is that you can use it to teach your body to enjoy different kinds of stimulation. In adulthood, deliberately altering your masturbation pattern can change your sexual responses in ways that enhance partnered sex. In this case, your lover should practice touching himself more slowly and gently to build up excitement. Of course, at first, he may need to return to the old methods in order to come, but this is still going to gradually teach his body to enjoy a new set of feelings.

I think you deserve some kind of medal for being willing to learn how to blow him exactly how he likes to get blown, and I do hope he is returning the favor. Licking you will give him some idea of what is and is not possible to do when you are using your mouth to make love to your partner instead of your hands or your genitals. (But I also hope he knows that when he goes down on you, the full-on emergency-crisis-assault mode will HURT you, so he will need to settle down and mellow out in order to give you a mouth job that you'll really love.)

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