Love the Bush

Monday, October 25, 2010

Question

Once a girl is used to oral sex, and you have shown her how good it feels, how often should you give her oral sex? My lady was reluctant to try it in the beginning but now she seems to really dig it. So how often is it normal to go down on your girlfriend?

Answer

This is the kind of question that makes me want to light a match and burn down the last 2,000 years of Judeo-Christian sexual ethos. But I couldn't honestly promise you that attitudes were more liberal before monotheism took over. So we'll just have to stay in the present and stop having fantasies about time machines. Please excuse my Doctor Who moment.

Asking what is normal or abnormal is usually not going to make your sex life better. “Normal” is a surprisingly vague term. Does it refer to what is morally acceptable, or does it describe sexual behavior that is done by more than 50% of the people, more than 50% of the time? This word gets bandied about to shame people who are having more fun than the person who uses it. It's like a club, beating up people who dare to be even the least bit sexually curious or exploratory.

Let's look at the first meaning of “normal.” Is oral sex morally acceptable? I have no problem with people trying to figure out what sex acts are right or wrong for them, as individuals. But it would be nice if folks had more accurate information about sexual diversity, instead of being scared away from every act or identity that is not mainstream. I believe that morality is something that each individual needs to struggle to define for themselves. It's lazy to let an institution hand you a ready-made set of rules—whether that be a church; the collective dictates of your mother, grandmother, and mother-in-law plus all their friends; the government; or the mental health industry.

As long as you both consent to what you are doing, and it isn't going to harm the two of you or anyone else, you have my permission to do whatever feels good, as often as you can find an appropriate venue for pleasure-seeking behavior.

As for the second meaning of “normal,” the behavior of the average person, we might as well be at sea with nothing but a rolled-up condom for a lifeboat and a pubic hair for a paddle. There's very little comprehensive research on what the average person does to enjoy the erotic side of life. The research that does exist tells us that most couples are doing more than penis-in-vagina intercourse. But if we did know what the parameters of normal or average sexual behavior were, how helpful would that be? Who's to say that what pleases the majority would also please you? I think you ought to consider cunnilingus as a slightly naughty and forbidden act, and perceive yourself as a bold rascal who goes night-diving where less imaginative men would hesitate to follow. You are a sort of Musketeer of the Female Orgasm. “All for tongue, and tongue for all!”

I can reassure you that many, many straight men like to go down on their lovers and spouses. )(Some even like to go down on sex workers. Imagine that.) Spend more time building your skills than you do looking over your shoulder for an imaginary blue-nose shaking their finger at you. Technique-wise, it's sometimes hard to remember that there are a lot of nerve endings packed into a little bit of tissue in the clitoris. Sometimes just lightly licking it or squeezing it between your lips is enough to create amazing sensations for her. It's also important to remember to lick her everywhere. Don't let her clitoris go numb because you are overstimulating it. But once she starts to come, don't change what you are doing! If you stop, that will probably make her orgasm stop, and she will become cranky. Understandably so! This sometimes means that you will have to put up with not being able to breathe because she is squeezing you between her legs, and you have pussy juice in your eyes and you want to scratch your nose while she screams your name aloud and rolls over, wrenching your neck and giving you whiplash. It's worth it for the dewy look in her eyes when you come up for air, then she pulls you up for a big kiss, tells you that you are the best lover in the world, and reaches for your cock to put it where she wants it. The thrill of victory!

Your partner is fortunate indeed to have a boyfriend who likes to eat pussy. Since she likes it too, you could make it a part of every sexual encounter. If you fear that would make you too predictable, don't cut back the frequency. Just vary the timing. Instead of going down on her at the beginning, to get her grabbing the sheets and moaning, “Fuck me,” use your hands or a vibrator to get her wet and eager the next time. Then once she's properly fucked and gasping for breath, put your head between her legs and get her off again. She might need a five- or ten-minute break after one orgasm, so that her clit won't be too sensitive to be touched. That's a good time to rub her back, tell her she's beautiful, and talk dirty about what just happened.

I think you are doing just fine and look forward to receiving next year's letter about rimming, anal sex, or bondage.