Maid Marian

Friday, September 23, 2011

Question

I feel like I am too old to go to the Renaissance Fair, but I still enjoy all of the role-playing that I and my friends did every year. During the winter and spring, we worked feverishly on our costumes. And when summer came, we looked forward to going as often as possible. Now that I am in my 40s, what are the odds of finding a knight who wants to carry my favor into combat or ride into the church to disrupt a detestable arranged marriage?

Answer

I have just one word to say about this: bustiers.

Well—I had just one word to say about it in the first paragraph.

You would be surprised what the typical heterosexual man is willing to do for regular access to a sweet-tempered woman who puts out. And shows cleavage. Actually, she doesn't even have to be sweet-tempered! Get your outfit together and plan to go to the fair next year. In the meantime, develop an on-line presence and place some ads. Get connected with groups like the Society for Creative Anachronism. Your local pagan community may also be a useful resource. Cosplay (costume play, for those of you who never heard of Wikipedia) isn't just for kids.

Finding people who enjoy archaic time periods is quite doable, but you have to do something, not just wish for it. The Knight in Shining Armor will never magically appear in your living room and turn off the television set. You may not be able to find the old friends who were so much fun, but you can make new ones. If you are the kind of person who cannot wander alone all day through a crowd of revelers, become a volunteer or vendor at the events you want to attend.

You know about the First Paradox of Finding Sex, right? This thermodynamic law states that you will only fall in love or locate a great source of sex if you are not looking for it. Now try not to think of a polar bear. In homage to this law, I advise you to seek friendship rather than ravishment. Without friends, who could ever put up with having a lover? Of course, if a proper invitation comes your way, don't turn it down. But ease your performance anxiety by reminding yourself that you are trying to create a whole social network, one person at a time. Hopefully it will be a prurient network where everyone pimps for their friends. (My thanks to BDSM author and therapist Dossie Easton for coining this paradigm.)

I know it seems a lot easier to hook up when you are twenty-something. Maybe it is. But you know a hell of a lot more about yourself now than you did then. You are probably a much better time. There are a lot of people your own age who grew up at these events. Many of them are still involved, or wish they could be. I offer you a blessing of fortuitous connection. Oh, and one more thing. I would offer to wear your favor myself, but unfortunately, I come from the future.

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