Monkey Business

Friday, April 17, 2009

Question

I just read your advice for the woman in a couple who wanted to find another woman to join them. I think you could have also mentioned swinger clubs, where people meet in a social atmosphere and can get to know or pick someone they'd like to invite to join them. Not necessarily on premises but maybe at home or in a motel nearby. I find it is easier to do and also costs less than the bars. And along the way, one makes friends too. In the Ottawa area, I can recommend the Club D&D in Aylmer, across the river. It is very well run, and many people go there to meet others for fun and pleasure later on in private. Because it has a very nice, big bar room with dance floor, newbies feel at ease when they get there. All action is taking place in rooms downstairs, so nobody even has to look at something they don't want to. Their website is www.clubd-d.com. One can also e-mail the owners and ask anything about the club. Thanks for your interesting advice articles here.

Answer

I am not sure where the letter writer was from, but your advice is good for anybody because swingers' organizations are widespread internationally. Arrangements vary. Some parties are held in the organizers' homes; others are more like a night club. Sex may take place on premises or simply be arranged at the club, then everyone adjourns to a motel or home. Club policies also vary a great deal. Some will admit single men; many will only admit couples or single women. So do the fees or cover charges and expectations regarding safer sex.

Readers should be aware that the legal status of swingers' clubs is often in a gray zone. Overly zealous police officers have been known to raid some clubs or parties and charge the attendees with public lewdness or some other nonsense. This is nothing more than religiously inspired morality masquerading as concern for public safety. The simple fact is that group sex, sex outside of marriage, bisexuality, or any form of non-monogamy makes a small group of conservatives froth at the mouth. Unfortunately, this minority is willing to work quite hard to impose their values on the rest of us.

Despite this unpleasant reality, most of the people I know who enjoy swinging have never had any legal problems. They may have the occasional party where they don't connect or the hot tub wasn't working, and that's about the extent of the hassles involved. But I do advise participants to exercise reasonable care. Don't give somebody your full legal name or your home address until you are certain you can trust them. Don't take large amounts of cash to a party or a date at a motel. Leave as many of your credit cards at home as you can manage. Let a friend know where you are going to be, and when you should be home. When on a date with a stranger, it's always a good idea to have a pre-arranged telephone check-in with somebody who can take action if you are in danger.

And finally, I wanted to just say that swing clubs tend to be supportive of women hooking up with other women, but not of men doing the deed with other men. I find this very difficult to accept, and so I no longer frequent the "lifestyle." If we truly support open relationships and bisexuality, it ought to be consistent. The fact is that men don't have to challenge their own homophobia in order to enjoy the idea of two women together—unless that woman-to-woman interaction threatens to exclude or eclipse them. But they would have to do so if they were going to accept man-to-man (M2M) sex as part of the menu. I still encounter swingers who mistakenly believe that if they exclude "gay sex" (i.e., sex between men), they can avoid having to worry about AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases. I say you are a fool if you have unprotected sex with anybody new and untested, regardless of their gender or stated sexual history or drug history. People lie to get laid.

Things are getting more progressive, I believe. Not every couple into swinging is closed off to M2M sex. And my criticism above is not intended to suggest that guys should have gay sex if they are not into it. But even if you are a dyed-in-the-wool heterosexual, one ought not to be hostile to those who do enjoy same-sex eroticism. Swing on!

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