New and Scared

Friday, June 04, 2010

Question

I have a followup question to the "big" problem. What if the problem is thickness? I am new to sex, but I am fairly sure that it should not be painful every time. I also suspect that it should not be difficult to allow him inside. My partner assures me it will get better with time. He stops whenever I ask him, but I get the feeling that there might be something wrong with me. I want to enjoy this next step we've taken! But I don't want him to be scared of hurting me. I am not so fond of this either. Is there anything I can do, or is this normal?

Answer

If the woman has a thick hymen (a membrane that partially blocks the vaginal opening), her first experience with full vaginal penetration can be painful because the hymen has to be torn or broken to allow entry. Some women experience no pain at all; others have a mere twinge. But for some women, the pain is noticeably sharp.

Folk wisdom says that after that first pang, sex ought to get easier and easier. This is often true, but not necessarily. So let's say that your experience is on the continuum of what is normal. But it certainly isn't desirable—for you or your boyfriend!

Do you have a good relationship with your gynecologist? I think it is worth going to see the doctor and asking her (or him) if there is a physical problem. One slight possibility is that your hymen was not completely broken during your first intercourse. Once in a great while, the doctor needs to help remove it so that your vagina opening can stretch normally. Your doctor can also check for infections that might make intercourse painful.

Exactly how big is your boyfriend's equipment? The average guy is no more than six inches long when fully erect and about four inches around at the base of his erection. Once again, folk wisdom says that any cock will fit into any vagina, but that is baloney. If you have a narrow pelvis and a narrow or short vagina, a cock that is too thick or too long will hurt you. Fortunately, the vagina is an elastic organ that has great potential for adaptation.

Here's a process that might help open things up.

Go buy a tape measure. Then go to a sex shop and buy a dildo that is narrow (four inches around or less) and longer than six inches. Get some lubricant that is water-based and does not contain glycerin (to avoid the possibility that the lubricant will irritate you). You may have to order the lubricant from a shop like Venus Envy that is responsible toward their female customers.

Make a date to do some show-and-tell. Get his cock hard, using your favorite method, and measure him. Be sure to write this down for future reference. Then have him arouse you with his words, kisses, fingers, mouth, and skin-to-skin contact. Whatever works. He should stimulate you until you are secreting lubrication. Then he should put an unlubricated condom on the dildo, use the lubricant you bought to make it slippery, and gently insert the dildo. If you are worried about pain, you can insert it yourself. Put it in until you experience discomfort. Mark where that is, take the dildo out, and measure how deeply you can tolerate penetration.

He should continue to stimulate you for another ten minutes. Don't have an orgasm! Then insert the dildo and take a second depth measurement. Most women find that the vagina gets deeper with prolonged stimulation. The uterus moves up and back, creating a pocket at the end of the vagina that allows for deeper thrusting.

Now compare these numbers and see if your problem is a mechanical one. If you were able to enjoy deeper penetration the second time, and his cock is not considerably bigger than average, you can probably enjoy intercourse if he or you stimulate your clitoris and other erogenous zones for just a little longer than it takes for you to get wet. This will allow that magic pocket to appear so you can enjoy full engagement with him.

If he is just bigger than your anatomy can handle right now, you need to do some stretching exercises. Go back to the Internet or your local sex shop and buy some dildos of varying sizes. Try to find one that is close to your boyfriend's measurements. Then get a series of smaller ones. You should be able to tell from measuring him whether the problem is width or length.

Start masturbating with a dildo that is very comfortable. Using it during sex is a good idea, too. But you can simply rest with it inside of you, enjoying the feeling of fullness without motion. When you feel ready for a bit of a challenge, move up to the next bigger size. First use the small dildo, to make sure you are open and feeling good, then try the second. Make this a brief experiment. Remove it and then go back to the size that is the smallest, and enjoy an orgasm.

I think you get the idea. This may take some time, but eventually you will probably find that his cock is a very nice fit. The two of you may need to use some dildos to open you up before you can have intercourse. But unless he has an odd jealousy toward pretend penises, he may enjoy this form of foreplay. The two of you can enjoy some fantasies about him training or preparing you for the "real thing."

Promise yourself that you will not hurt yourself with these toys. You need a no-pain contract with your pussy. When the vulnerable parts of your body know that you will protect them, they will relax even more. Any sort of pain just causes your body to tighten up. Then the pain probably gets worse. That's why a slow, sneaky approach will work better than trying to force you open. (Not that he has tried that; he sounds like a very considerate and patient lover.)

Until intercourse can be accomplished pain-free, you can enjoy a lot of other techniques. Make out, use your hands and lips, fantasize, give each other massages, rub your bodies together, do whatever you can come up with. The feeling of his penis sliding between your legs may be so arousing that you will enjoy penetration more, having had to anticipate and wait for it.

I hope the two of you can work this out so that sex will be fun and fabulous. You should like a great couple who have good compatibility in bed. I hope your relationship is a long and orgasmically blessed one.