New Boy

Friday, May 06, 2005

Question

I am a 25-year-old boy in my first Daddy/boy relationship. My Daddy is literally old enough to be my dad, which I find really hot. He's been out since before I was born. I can't even explain to you how fabulous the sex is. We are both FTMs (NB: female-to-male transsexuals, my dear Venusites). I only transitioned a couple of years ago and just barely have gotten past that hating-everything-about-my-body stage. He's taught me so much about my sexuality, and we've done things that I didn't even dare conjure up in my own masturbatory fantasies.

Sounds perfect, right? It is. This is what I have always dreamed of. So now I have this I am terrified of losing it. But I feel like, more often than not, when we go out and I have my collar on, I fuck things up. Things that seem to come naturally to other boys and submissives just don't occur to me. I end up feeling crushed by even the most simple disapproving glance from him. I am still being trained. But I think it's hard for him to train me because for some reason, I can't take criticism from him. Too often, I end up just being a little puddle of tears.

I really want to be his boy. I like the Daddy/boy dynamic. I am scared that he's going to think I don't really want to be his boy and that I am not boy material after all. How do I show him that I really want to learn, serve him, and be the best boy he's ever had? Also, do you have suggestions for ways that he can correct me that will feel safe to me and will also let him feel that he's being strict enough and getting his point across?

I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. Please help me keep this beautiful relationship.

Answer

Just to catch everybody else up: a Daddy/boy relationship is a form of consenting power exchange, fantasy role-playing sex, that's engaged in by two adult men. While many Daddy/boy couples see themselves as being part of the BDSM community, there tends to be a slightly different dynamic present, in that erotic Daddies are usually more nurturing than the typical master or sadist. Age play tends to be the central focus of the relationship rather than play with bondage, pain, or intense dominance and submission. Of course, all of these things can be combined, and there are many different ways to be a Daddy or a boy. (There are also Daddy/girl relationships, and Mommy can also be a dominant figure to grown-up boys or girls.)

Here's my advice to you, New Boy: All you need to do to let your Daddy know that you love him, want to be good, and want to keep the relationship long-term is to tell him this. The alternating insecurity and euphoria you are experiencing is pretty normal for someone who is new to this dynamic. I am guessing that perhaps your biological father was not as kind or affirmative as he might have been. If so, you are coming to this relationship with some damaged self-esteem and fear that you will not be valued or given a fair chance in the game of love. Sounds like you need to have a lot of praise to balance any correction your Daddy might give you. Maybe you also need to try harder to remember the times when your Daddy has given you his approval and encouragement, so that you don't feel so scared and put-down when something goes astray. Can you take some security from the fact that you are collared? A top usually does not give a bottom his own collar unless the top is committed to that bottom, compatible with him, turned on to him, and serious about keeping him around.

An experienced top will not expect you to automatically know the BDSM community's etiquette. Besides, every top/bottom relationship is different; there is no set of universal rules that can be applied in every situation. Slow down and give yourself some permission to enjoy being a novice who is being exposed to a lot of hot and surprising things. Boys are fun to be around, but there's also a lot about life that they don't know, and a reasonable Daddy expects this. Training a new bottom is fun for the top. Your Daddy isn't trying to tell you that you are a failure or scare you into thinking you will be abandoned. He's just passing on his personal preferences, expectations, and sense of the kinky man-to-man community's traditions and history. The looks that you believe are disapproving or critical may simply be the kind of half-scary look that a Daddy throws at a boy when he is trying to get his attention and give him a boner.

Your new Daddy should understand that you are disappointed in yourself when you are less than perfect. Explain to him that you set high standards for yourself that are perhaps unreasonable. Rather than punishing you for "failure," he ought to be gentle with you and comfort you, since you sound like the kind of bottom who is making a sincere attempt to grow. If you were deliberately fucking up, that would be a different story, and would have to be handled very carefully. The worst thing a Daddy can do is reward a boy who behaves badly by giving him an eroticized form of "punishment." That just sends a message that if the boy wants a spanking, he should misbehave again.

What I've written above is based on the assumption that you are playing with an ethical, mature guy who isn't emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, the BDSM community has its share of people who are screwed up, just like the vanilla majority. I would be concerned if your Daddy was harshly criticizing you, physically punishing you for doing things you did not know were wrong, threatening to leave you, publicly shaming you, or otherwise attacking your well-being. No matter how good the sex might be, you should never put up with a relationship that makes you feel worse about yourself instead of better.

Ask your Daddy to talk to you about how he wants you to behave when the two of you go out. Are you supposed to stay close at hand, keep your mouth shut, and stay alert to attending to his needs? Is it okay for you to take off on your own to socialize? Does he expect you to do anything specific to acknowledge your relationship, such as looking down when he speaks to you, or kneeling at his side? Are you allowed to touch him in public, get a hug, kiss him, or are you supposed to wait for him to take the initiative?

These rules will change depending on where you are going (whether it's a BDSM event, club, or bar—or a more vanilla space), the mood that the two of you are in, and whether or not you plan to play later in the evening. Even if your Daddy does a good job of explaining the rules to you, he won't be able to cover all contingencies, so the two of you should remain somewhat flexible. A good Daddy also understands that you don't live your entire life in the BDSM community. You should not be asked to visibly express submission in inappropriate contexts, such as on the job or at school, if this would damage your career or education.

Perhaps one of the things you can get out of this relationship is a strong and secure sense of being loved and treasured, and of deserving this love. And perhaps you can let go of some of your perfectionism. I've been a Daddy for a long time myself, and if I wanted picture-perfect slaves, I wouldn't have boys in my life. Boys are endearing and cute precisely because they are spontaneous, playful, funny, rebellious, smart, and affectionate—horny and adorable works in progress. After all, it's not like you become a perfect man just because you are a Daddy! Tops need forgiveness for their faults as well.

I think your Daddy's lucky to have you, and I hope the two of you get to enjoy this psychodrama and deep bonding for a very long time.

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