No Head Please

Friday, October 01, 2010

Question

My girlfriend really loves to suck cock. This may sound like I am bragging about my good luck. I'm sure the average guy would be thrilled to have a woman who was panting to give him head. This is her idea of how to show me that she is ready and willing if I want to have sex.

Unfortunately, due to some experience in the past that I really don't want to think about, I don't like oral sex. In the past it has sometimes made me physically ill or so full of rage I am afraid I will break something. I've worked through those extreme reactions, but my cock still won't get hard for her. This makes me feel like I am only half a man. Other men complain about when their wives or girlfriends won't do it. Why can't I?

I feel bad because I know she is just trying to please me and make our lovemaking better. She says she gets very turned-on and wet when she feels a hard cock in her mouth. I have enough problems in the bedroom as it is. I don't want to bring her down by dredging up the past. Is there any other way to begin lovemaking or sort of detour around this desire of hers, so that we can still have sex? I just want to be able to stay in the present, focus on how much I love her, how beautiful she is, and get us both off.

Answer

You could lie to her and tell her that there's something else you need to do first in order to get really, really turned on. Then invent an obsession with going down on her or kissing or rubbing her feet. I suppose you could also tell her that you enjoy being the one who initiates, and when you want her to suck your cock, you'll tell her to do so.

But if this is a relationship you want to keep, there's a better choice. Bite the bullet, sit down with her, and talk to her about your past. I'm assuming that you were the target of sexual abuse. Most women are compassionate about this. Experts once thought that only half as many boys were abused as girls, but we now are finding that the victimization of boys is dramatically under-reported. It doesn't make you less of a man to have once been a child at the mercy of disturbed and evil adults.

For heaven's sake, stop trying to manage this on your own. Go talk to somebody. Find someone who knows about the abuse of young boys or teens, and let them help you to reduce the consequences of these traumatic experiences. You may then find that you become able to distinguish between a safe situation that you are in as an adult and those times when others hurt you and you were helpless to stop it.

I wish I had a good book to recommend to you, but almost all the literature on this topic is written by feminists who only reach out to female victims (or "survivors," as they are now called). Staci Haines wrote a great book called Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma, but you'll have to mentally change the pronouns as you go through the information and recommended exercises. Books about abused men or boys don't usually spend much time on how to deal with the inhibition and shame that can be a sequel to exploitation. Still, you might want to read Abused Boys: The Forgotten Victims of Sexual Abuse, by Mic Hunter. There are a dozen other choices on Amazon.com, but I haven't personally read them. Seeking out other viewpoints can, if nothing else, let you know that you are not alone, and there ought not to be shame in speaking out.

Feel free to write to me again if you need further information.