Not So Quick Anymore

Friday, September 14, 2007


I just turned 40 and was celibate for a long time after my marriage ended. It wasn't great sexually, but I did enjoy the closeness. Recently I've met a wonderful man who is a fantastic lover. He can go forever and do things I've never experienced before. But my problem is that it seems to take a lot longer for me to come than it did when I was younger. I'm finding it a bit frustrating. I know my lover likes to take things slow and long so I don't think it's an issue for him, but is it normal to lose sensitivity with age?


A lot of different things could be affecting the time that it takes you to have an orgasm. During your years of celibacy, did you also refrain from masturbation? If so, your body may have lost some of its erotic reflexes. You should start coming more quickly again after a period of being sexually active. If you don't masturbate now, it might be a good idea to find some private time to explore your own body. See if you come more quickly, about the same, or slower than you do with your lover. The more orgasms women have, the more quickly and easily they tend to have others. Masturbation is usually the easiest way to have an orgasm. But if it's tons and tons quicker than lovemaking, perhaps your partner needs to give you a different kind of stimulation. I'm not sure if that would mean more direct clitoral stimulation, less foreplay and more fucking, nipple-tweaking, or oral sex—but it will be fun to figure that out with him.

Hormonal changes and the rest of the aging process also affect our sexuality. Libido tends to drop somewhat and orgasms are slower to achieve as one ages. But 40 is not that old. Could you be experiencing early menopause? If your periods are late or irregular and lighter than they used to be, or you have hot flashes, check in with your OB-GYN to see if your hormones are fluctuating.

Orgasms can also be slowed down if you are very tired, if you smoke pot or use tranquilizers before having sex, or if you are stressed out and distracted. You say you are pretty sure your partner doesn't mind that it takes you a while to come. Why not just ask him? You may be anxious about this to such an extent that you're setting yourself up to be less focused on your own sensations. Finally, if you are annoyed by your partner or resent him, sex can become tricky to enjoy.