Ontario Master

Friday, February 19, 2010

Question

My submissive wants to start working as a professional dominatrix. She says this income will make it possible for her to go back to graduate school. But I have two questions. One: will this make her less submissive to me? Over time, will her personality change so that she no longer enjoys being my cute little sex toy? Two: am I going to get jealous because she is with other men? I figure with your experience you probably will have some insight into these questions. Thanks.

Answer

Eeeeek. I'd be nervous about this too. It's hard to say how this will end. She might be happier if she vents her dominant side on men other than you (and you might appreciate this as well). She could become more loyal and responsive to you because you are helping her to meet important life goals. Or she could become a different person, one whose needs have changed. But that could happen whether she worked as a professional dominatrix or not.

One of the best-kept secrets of the professional BDSM world is how many famous mistresses are submissives in their private lives. Like the high-powered businessmen who come to them for an opportunity to let go of all that responsibility, they need some balance in their lives. I did once date a pro-domme. My personal experience is that after a day of topping and running scenes, my girl came back to me hornier than ever. She couldn't wait to get tied up and dominated. She needed contact with me to get back in touch with her own sexual fantasies and re-enter her body.

You are probably concerned about your submissive's safety and emotional well-being. Where is she going to be working? It's a bad idea to see clients in your own home or be alone with them. Most guys who see dominatrixes are nice enough, but there's the occasional bad apple who can get obnoxious or even violent. It helps if these guys know they'll be rapidly detected and tossed out on their bums. Working for a house can be good or bad, depending on how well it is run and what her relationship is like with the management. How much control will she have over who she sees and what she does with them? How much skin is she expected to show? Most BDSM houses have a no-sex rule to try to keep clear of prostitution laws, but how firmly is that enforced?

Let's say that your submissive goes to work, has a bad experience with a client, and comes home feeling violated and dirty. She is upset, she doesn't want to have sex with you, and yet she needs to feel comforted and get rid of all that negative energy. How will you feel? Will you be able to listen, get her into a hot shower, feed her dinner, tuck her into bed, and hold her? Or will you give her a lecture about dressing too provocatively and make her feel as if she ought to expect that kind of treatment because of the kind of job she does? Will you let her decide what she wants to do about the guy who was inappropriate, or will you take it upon yourself to look him up and kick his ass? Guess which set of answers I am looking for here.

You also asked a question about jealousy. How uptight have you been in previous relationships? If you've gotten pissed off because a lover talked to a bartender for five minutes, you'll never survive being in a relationship with a dominatrix. If you're cool with her seeing old friends, talking to an ex, or flirting with a shop clerk, your chances go up. I suggest having a conversation with her about boundaries. Keeping certain things for the two of you, and forbidding them to clients, is often helpful. The primary boundary is that she dominates clients, but she submits to you. She offers you her real and deepest desire. With clients, she's like an actress. The action is staged and has nothing to do with who she really is. They come and go—you get to be with her when her shift is over.

Could you perhaps agree to do this on a trial basis? How long do the two of you think it would take to be able to tell if this job is good or bad for your relationship? I would imagine you'd need at least a couple of weeks—maybe a few months. Set a time limit, then have a conversation about the pluses and minuses of the job. If it doesn't work, no harm, no foul—she can probably find another way to pay for grad school.