Oral is Immoral

Friday, June 10, 2011

Question

Can a guy really give himself a blowjob? One of my friends claims he saw a picture of this but he's never been able to produce the evidence. I don't believe it. Why would you do such a freaky thing? Does sucking your own dick make you gay?

Answer

The infamous porn star, gay activist, and author Scott O'Hara was able to do this. I've seen photos of other men who did it as well. There are two requirements: a flexible spine and a really long cock. Scott used to prop himself against the wall with his shoulders on the floor and his legs up the wall. Then he would drop his legs, slowly stretching out his hamstrings, until he could get the first third of his erect cock in his mouth. He could also sit on the edge of a bar stool, bend at the waist, and swallow an impressive number of phallic inches. He thought of it as a piece of performance art, fun to do because it shocked and delighted spectators, and also as a form of masturbation. I think he did it for much the same reason that male dogs are always licking their own balls—because they can!

Scott was pretty thoroughly gay. I don't know about the sexual orientations of the handful of other men I've seen who were able to do this. Did sucking his own cock make him gay? Hmmmm. I'm not sure. I think being gay probably happened before Scott learned this parlor trick. Would a straight man want to suck his own dick? Straight men usually want to stroke their own cocks. Does that make them gay? It doesn't make sense to me to say that touching your cock with your hand is less gay than putting it in your own mouth. But you obviously have your own opinion.

Both gay and straight men seem obsessed with big, pretty, hard cocks and the neat trick of ejaculation. As comedian Ron White points out, this is why straight porn does not feature tiny, limp penises. Just like gay porn, it features men with unusually large endowments. These bigger-than-normal erections represent sexual potency, strength, and power to the male viewers. Everybody's cock feels huge when you're having sex, eh? If you are watching porn as a masturbation aid, those big dicks (in your imagination) have an equally huge effect on whoever is getting fucked. And this is hot to think about, hence leading to a bigger, harder cock of your own.

I'm not sure who told you that oral sex was immoral, or why you parade that slogan around, but I do think your life might be nicer if you examine that prejudice. I don't want to get into any arguments about what the Bible says. If you honestly believe God doesn't want us to commit sodomy, and sodomy includes oral sex, then I wish you luck in living according to those precepts. But if you do happen to sin, I ask that you be kind and forgiving toward yourself and your partner in sin. Being a gentleman is at least as important to you as being a good Christian, I would hope. Gentlemen do not heap scorn upon a person who gave them pleasure, even if that pleasure is verboten. So be nice to the person who is nice enough to put your cock in his or her mouth.

Oral sex is a common behavior in the animal kingdom, especially among warm-blooded mammals. (So is anal penetration.) But biologists who are not comfortable with reporting on the full range of animal behavior and sexuality have censored their field reports. You might want to check out a big fat text called Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity, by Bruce Bagemihl, which sets the record un-straight.

Straight men outnumber gay men by about ten to one. (The exact number is not as important as the fact that straight men are in the vast majority.) So it is safe to say that most fellatio is done by women on their male partners. The act is incredibly popular for several reasons—it is a form of birth control, it is a socially-acceptable form of male erotic passivity, it can express a dominant/submissive dynamic, it adds variety to a couple's sex life, and it feels absolutely amazing. Some women claim to like the way cum tastes, but we are all entitled to fib a little to protect our partners' feelings. (As Craig Ferguson says, “I look forward to your letters.”)

Since you have been kind enough to preach a bit to me, I will share some of my personal spiritual beliefs with you. I believe that we were created by loving deities (gods, goddesses, and hermaphrodeities) who wanted us to enjoy our lives on this earth and learn how to be kind to one another and the planet that supports us. Oral sex is one of many perks we get to compensate for being mortal. Tasting another person's sex is quite intimate, and expresses a high level of unconditional affection. We express the same kind of love for another person that our Creators feel for us. Panting tongues anoint the body and mark it as sacred. As long as both partners are healthy, it is a low-risk form of erotic communion. Gratitude for sexual pleasure is a form of prayer that brings us to a higher level of consciousness, if we are ready to accept the limitations of the flesh and its glorification. The only immortality we may ever know is that blissful illusion that an orgasm will go on forever, until we lose our minds. Or perhaps we will be allowed to survive our own deaths, the way that we return to earth after coming so hard our feet cramp. Maybe heaven is like multiple orgasms with no foot cramps. I'd prefer that to strumming a harp and trying to keep my white dress clean. (How do white dresses fit over those angel wings, anyway?)

But I digress. Here is what I think the Goddess really had in mind when She invented fellatio. Because it is also the best way for a girl to get her man to lick her clit. “You want more head? Come get your lips wet, boy!” Amen and hallelujah. It's too bad you think oral sex is immoral, because if you want the Rosy Emperor to Parade Through the Gate of Pink Jade, it works better than candy and liquor combined. Can I get an Amen?