Overworked

Friday, February 17, 2006

Question

My boyfriend needs sexual fantasies to get horny and to get his "ultimate orgasm" during sex. He wants me to fantasize and communicate my fantasies during sex because it gives him a lot of pleasure hence orgasm. I haven't had an orgasm yet. (We've been going out for 5 months now.) For me to have orgasms, I need to be excited in a certain way. I will tell him soon how I want to be caressed to get excited in such a way that I can orgasm. But the problem really is that he needs me to be exploring porn on my own, cybersex and all that. Knowing that I've been chatting on-line with another girl or masturbating will really turn him on. Otherwise, sometimes I don't get sex for one to two weeks. Sad, isn't it? He is aware of the deprivation on my part. I feel it is too much work for me to go on line and fantasize during sex. My question is, how can I have my orgasm and have him aroused without doing all the "chores" in advance?

Answer

Your boyfriend has a pretty rigid script for a sexual encounter. If he won't have sex with you unless you are prepared to describe on-line sex adventures and fantasies, I am wondering if he's actually able to see you as an autonomous person who has needs of her own—that he ought to be satisfying, p.s.! No wonder this is feeling like too much work for you. You aren't talking about fantasies just because they make your own clit get hard and saying these things out loud make you get wet. You're doing it to please him. And likewise with the on-line searching for an other dirty girl. If you were doing it because you really, really liked on-line flirting and fucking with women, and needed it like mad when you wanted to masturbate, and then got even more giddy and excited when you told your boyfriend about these adventures, well, you'd just be having a grand old time, wouldn't you?

I've got such a dirty mouth that one girlfriend dubbed me Mister Guttergums. But I make a point of checking out the content of my verbiage with the other person. I talk about things that make my dick get hard, but if he or she is not also panting at the very thought of committing the enormously sinful things I am suggesting, well, hell, I might as well stay home and write porn all by my lonesome and make some money. I'd be very disappointed if I found out that someone had been telling me dirty stories just because they thought they had to do that to keep me interested. Jabbering away every time you fuck is as boring as restricting yourself to only one sexual position or technique. I think you learn a lot about yourself and your partner by having sex in a state of quiet rapport, or by only occasionally whispering something sweet to one another.

Is this guy you are dating capable of being tender with you? If he can't leave space in your sexuality to focus on you and your needs, I'm afraid he may have a fetish that is making him sexually dysfunctional. A fetish is basically any sexual signal that you can count on to get you very excited. But they become a problem if the script is so rigid and one-sided that you can't learn and grow sexually or make space for your partner's turn-ons. The only way you are going to find out whether he's that obsessed or not is to challenge the status quo and insist on something else taking place.

My other question is, why have you waited five months to tell this guy what your real needs are in terms of being held, touched, and stimulated? That's an awfully long time to go through having sex with somebody without getting your own sweaty-faced, sheet-grabbing, toe-curling, yelling-out-loud party. As much as I disapprove of him for being such a selfish dog, I kinda gotta say I am shaking my finger at you for being Little Miss Red Cross Let Me Minister To Your Manly Libido While Batting My Eyes and Pretending I Don't Need A Thing.

This dynamic can't go on. (Well, it could, but if you wanted to do that, you wouldn't have written to me, huh? You could just get married unhappily ever after.) It's time to sweep all the old baggage off the bed you share and lay down the clean sheets of truth. I know it won't be easy to change a pattern that's gone on this long. But I don't see any substitute for showing him yours and then asking him to show you his.

On your part, what needs to be revealed is the exact nature of your sexual needs as well as your real feelings about what he demands of you during sex. You're not a fucking tape recorder. If you're going to reveal your erotic adventures or fantasies, it has to be fun, and that means it ought to be your idea. You can keep in mind that he loves it and try to make him happy as often as possible, but not in a laborious manner that creates resentment. On his part, he needs to step up to the pillow and tell you truthfully (or better yet, show you) if he's able to get it up to get you off. It's just fine for him to have certain erotic triggers. Most of us do. But a skilled and considerate lover knows you gotta give in order to get. If your girlfriend needs half an hour of oral sex in order to come, there are two ways to look at it. If you see that as a thrilling opportunity, that's a fantastic way to bolster intimacy. If you'd rather scrub the kitchen floor or pay somebody else to do it, well, dude, it's time to move on and find yourself a more compatible mate.

I also want you to know, Overworked, that I take your concerns very seriously. I've used humor to make a few key points, but I don't mean to ridicule your point of view or your nervousness. It sounds like you have a really forceful guy on your hands who has taken the one-sidedness of your sex life for granted. You've been a bit co-dependent, but that's no crime; our society conditions women to be somewhat sexually passive. The problem is, most guys will assume that if you aren't squawking, there's no problem in bed. If they like what's happening, it's convenient for them to assume that you do too. Most men, however, are curious about female sexuality and eager to do right by the woman in their life. But they tend to need very specific directions and embarrassingly clear feedback. This paint-by-number approach may not feel very romantic or spontaneous while you're training him, but once he "gets it," you are in for the wild ride of your life.

He could react to your revelations in a grownup and constructive way. I really hope this works out! But if it doesn't, don't blame yourself. Just be a lot more forward with your own needs in the future. It really is important if a relationship is going to be a happy one.