Personal Shopper, Please

Friday, September 22, 2006

Question

I am a male 18 years of age. Me and my girlfriend are both virgins. She has expressed interest in purchasing a dildo. But she is too embarrassed to get one herself. I would like to surprise her. But I don't know what I should get for first timers. I don't want to get something too big or too thick so that when she has sex with me, she won't feel me if I don't match up to the size of the dildo.

Answer

No worries. I can help you with this problem. But I want to talk about some of the misconceptions that have spurred your anxiety. I always encourage people to buy a slender dildo for their first latex/silicone friend. This is doubly true for your girlfriend, who may have a hymen (a membrane that partially blocks the vaginal opening). Penetration with a large object might be quite painful for her and result in breaking her hymen. This usually causes a little bleeding, and a sore pussy that needs a get-well kiss more than it needs another fuck.

A slender dildo can be used all of the time. A monster rubber cock may look more impressive on the shelf, but it will get a lot less use, since getting a big dildo to feel good (or simply get it inside, dammit) takes more lubrication, foreplay, and patience. I don't like the hard plastic wand-type vibrators. It's too easy to poke her too hard and hurt her when things get frantic. So get something with some give to it. Your dildo should be long enough for you to hold onto and thicker than a pencil but smaller than a clenched fist. Something about the circumference of a broomstick would be ideal—one inch in diameter (across the circle) or so.

Buy some water-based lubricant to ease the way (spit applied with a clever tongue also works), and put a condom on the dildo to keep it clean. Wash your toy in between uses with some warm water and soap. Some dildos can be sterilized in the dishwasher or even boiled, but if your toy is only going to be used by one person, it shouldn't need this severe treatment. You haven't mentioned anal sex, but I always tell people to avoid putting an object that's been in the ass into the vagina. Rectal microorganisms can cause uncomfortable vaginal infections.

You also brought up the issue of potential competition between your factory-issued equipment and her sex toy. When we are in love, the other person's pleasure is sharply exciting for us. She will want to have intercourse with you because of the pleasure it will bring you. (She'll also be looking for her own thrills and chills, of course, but many women report that the feeling of a man's cresting excitement and gasping release during intercourse is arousing and satisfying, in and of itself.) A dildo has no nerve endings. It has no personality. It also has no sperm, which is a plus if you don't want to get pregnant. But I digress. Don't worry so much about the size issue. She'll be getting used to intercourse, and at first, less is more. Believe me, no virgin wants a horse dick waved under her nose. That would only scare the poor girl to death. I have a friend whose dick is literally two inches long when it's hard, and he has a partner who just loves his little wiener. I'm sure you have enough going on down there to make her happy.

The best thing you could do to make intercourse exciting for her is to remember how you touch her clitoris when the two of you are making out. Does she like it when you put your forefinger on the tip of it, or does she like to feel a wide area of pressure from the heel of your hand? When you are able to have intercourse, don't forget to touch her clitoris. She'll experience less pain if she has this important aid to her pleasure. Some lucky women are able to experience orgasm during intercourse, perhaps because of the way their partner's pubic bone fits against the vulva, or perhaps because their unique vaginal sensations are intense enough to result in a satisfying orgasm. But most women need direct clitoral stimulation to come. When I say "direct stimulation," I'm not talking about a power-tool touch. The clitoris has as many nerve endings as the head of your cock, but they are packed into a much smaller area, so it gets cranky if you overdo it. Approach the clitoris softly at first, and ask her to tell you "more" until the pressure is just right for her beautiful and beloved body. (It's nice to hear somebody panting for more, isnt it?)

I'll offer you another little hint. Most guys can keep up this clitoral stimulation business during intercourse only if they are not close to coming themselves. There will be quite a bit happening to your own body, and you do have a right to remain in touch with your own sexual response cycle and enjoy the loveliness of being inside your very best girl, thrusting and trusting her with your own sensitive and vulnerable sex organ. Let her know that it turns you on to see her masturbate. (It does, doesn't it? Get with the program!) Give her permission and encouragement to touch her own little button while you are taking care of filling her up. That way, she will get the dual stimulation she needs, and it will be reliable enough to take her over the top. Unfortunately, if you stop touching the clitoris, her orgasm will stop as well and that feels, well, I suppose angrifying is the word I'd make up if I had no editor curbing my originality.

Oh, wait, I don't. Well, the English language now has a new word. Look for it soon in a crossword puzzle near you.

I wish that every woman who was approaching intercourse had a partner who felt secure enough to experiment with a dildo. It can take time to train the vaginal opening to relax; time to find out whether you like pressure on the roof or the floor of the vagina; time to see if you like it when your cervix is pressed or gently moved around. With this kind of playful experimentation, a woman can maximize her chances of having vaginal pleasure. With the help of her partner, she can also make her first experience with intercourse a hot time and a lovely memory instead of an awkward trauma. (If your first time is awkward, that's okay too, dear reader. The first time becomes a treasured memory just because it was your first time together. There's a learning curve, but it's all good.)

You're a thoughtful guy and you have all the makings of an excellent lover. I wish you and your lady the best of hot times in the sack and wherever else the mood strikes you.

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