Plenty of Dish

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Question

As an avid follower of your Facebook page, I couldn’t help but notice a remark you made recently about not being too quick to send overly (I’m searching for the word…rambunctious comes to mind) familiar photos of oneself while corresponding on dating websites. (And by the way I think a woman who drinks tequila out of a menstrual cup is heavenly but then, I am a woman as well and know the trials and tribulations of “feminine protection”. Anything you can do to liven it up and offset the costs through creative usage seems good to me).

I have another problem with dating websites that I’d like to bring up and hope maybe you can share some of your thoughts.

I know we are in the initial stages of developing etiquette around such places of courtship, but what is it with men who get so goddamn pissy about you not getting back? I have been searching for a hook-up/casual thing myself and I have received some pretty stressful replies from men who seem to think they are entitled to a no thank you or at least some details as to why I am not interested.

Any thoughts you’d care to share?

Answer

Yeah, that’s a bit heavy isn’t it?

I totally get why you would consciously avoid someone you’re not interested in, especially if they insist you do. Anyone who makes such demands is goading you to further engage with them and as you may know from personal exchanges, “no thank you” with someone like this rarely finishes there. If it doesn’t end with them pulling your arm out of its socket because they have offered to read your palm and won’t let go, it ends with you very abruptly being called a fat slut they didn’t want to fuck anyway.

A man who can’t graciously leave things be is someone whose temper might flare up suddenly and that’s scary. You are already rejecting their offer by not replying to their advance. Why risk tapping into the aggression that is so clearly behind such a demand?

A person who insists on such a solicitous (and frankly insincere) level of graciousness is not being gracious himself. Men who include this condition should know that it betrays an unattractive sense of passive aggressive resentment. They should also consider if they themselves would be so inclined to politely decline if they were similarly besieged.

There is not need to feel guilty or awkward for keeping your distance from these types, Dish. There are very good reasons why you do: you alone are responsible from protecting yourself from unwanted and hostile attention online. These kinds of exchanges can leave you feeling uneasy and that’s not why you’re on a dating website.

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