Possessive

Monday, February 07, 2011

Question

I was really mad at my ex when I found out he made a pass at one of my friends. So I played a trick on him. I used to date his best friend. So I asked if I could blow him. I spit the cum out into a paper cup and took it home. Then I kept it in an airtight bottle in the freezer until I had a lot.  My cheeks were getting sore, LOL! Then I poured it into some brownie mix and baked it and gave it to my boyfriend to eat. (By the way, it made a really good replacement for the eggs.) I told him he could have the whole batch as his treat. It was really fun to sit and watch him stuffing those brownies into his beard-hole. He never offered to share them, by the way. That's the kind of pig he is.

After they were all gone, I grabbed my purse and coat, stood by the front door, and told him what I'd done. He started yelling at me and chased me out of the house, but I had my car unlocked with the keys in the ignition, so I got away. He kept calling and texting me for the rest of the night, but I turned my phone off. I don't think I've ever laughed that much. I called all my girlfriends and told them what I'd done, and they all thought it was hysterical.

He eventually calmed down enough to talk to me. But he's still really mad. He says that cheating on him with his best friend is worse than what he did, because he just made a pass. But if my tall, blonde friend had been willing to betray short, brunette me, he would have had sex with her. Right? And I never had real sex with his friend, I just sucked his cock a few times. But my big dumb ox says that making a guy eat another guy's jizz is just the worst thing ever.

I have a hard time believing this is the most fucked-up thing anybody ever did to get back at a straying lover. Shouldn't he just learn his lesson and laugh it off and learn to keep his hands to himself?

 

Answer

Every now and then I get a letter that is so bizarre, I have to wonder if it is a hoax. Your letter wins that dubious honor for the month. I have a really hard time believing that you fed a straight guy another man's come, but you didn't expect him to be permanently infuriated and humiliated. If you want to teach somebody a lesson, drop a banana peel under their foot. But what you say you did is more like chopping off ther foot.

I also have a hard time believing that anybody other than former President Bill Clinton could rationalize fellatio and deny that it is sex. It makes no sense at all for you to be so angry at your guy for making a pass, but downplay your own infidelity. He may have gotten close to the line, but you drove over it in an ATV and threw a few grenades over your shoulder.

You have trashed your lover's friendship with your ex. Every time he sees this guy, he has to picture you blowing him. He also has to conquer his nausea as he recalls that both of you got a load of that hot white stuff. The only difference is that you didn't swallow. If your boyfriend was to “just laugh it off,” he would be admitting that he doesn't take it very seriously. Eating another man's cum is a homosexual act, at least in our culture. Heterosexual normativity demands that he emphatically reject and condemn those yummy brownies full of malice and sperm.

As far as I'm concerned, you deserve each other. But I wouldn't want to accept any glasses of iced tea from your man, or eat an omelet he flipped just for you. Other girls don't spurt gooey white stuff, but they do piss.

Sadly, this is not the worst thing I've heard somebody do to a cheating spouse. But I think giving the details to you would be like putting out fire with gasoline. Jealousy is the basest of human emotions because it makes us so crazy we forget all of our ethical standards. Jealousy justifies the destruction of what we most love, and blinds us to the consequences. Once you have vengeance, you are left with nothing else. Ashes, ashes, all fall down.