Private Investigator

Friday, June 17, 2011


I love to watch women smoke. To me, there's nothing more erotic than a beautiful woman, dressed in a black cocktail dress, stockings, a garter belt, and high heels, sitting across from me and smoking while we listen to slow, erotic music. I like old blues or swing music, and I love the sight of red lipstick on the edge of a cocktail glass. It's part of a whole noir thing. Maybe I watched too many Humphrey Bogart/ Lauren Bacall movies.

Watching a jet of smoke uncurl from between her beautiful lips is wonderful foreplay for me. But I don't want to live with a smoker. I recognize that it's an unhealthy habit, and I don't want my whole house to always smell like burned tobacco. I wouldn't want to make a long-term commitment to somebody who might get cancer.

Shouldn't I be able to find a lady who just loves to smoke during foreplay or as a sexual tease? I want someone who looks like she's been smoking for a long time—in other words, she shows a lot of skill in the way she handles the cigarette. But I don't want an addict. Addiction is a weakness.


Since you've had so much trouble finding what you want, it may surprise you to know that our culture already has a word for women who know how to handle a cigarette. These women are called “smokers.” They acquired that skill by, guess what, smoking! And since cigarettes contain nicotine and other addicting chemicals, they are also usually addicts. Depending on how much they smoke, they suffer varying degrees of damage to their respiratory and immune systems. They also potentially make other people ill if these folks are exposed to second-hand smoke by, oh, I don't know, perhaps by sitting at the same table and watching them light up and occasionally aim for the ashtray.

Some smoker eventually give up the habit and become non-smokers. And the worst thing one of them could do is try to light up just once in a while, in a casual way, perhaps to flirt and be sexy. This is one example of the slippery self-talk that every addict uses to justify returning to his or her drug of choice. One cigarette to titillate a sexual partner rapidly becomes a pack-a-day habit.

The thing I found most aggravating about your letter is the judgmental statement that addiction is a weakness. Some of the smartest, strongest people I know are also troubled by addiction. Compulsive behavior has nothing to do with the quality of the individual's character. You might as well call cancer or myopia a “weakness.”

Secondly, I note that you don't mention what the woman who is entertaining you is supposed to get out of this encounter. You are asking her to dress and behave in a rather specific manner, one that is tailored to your noir fantasies. Are you at all available to accommodate her fantasies? Perhaps she'd like an hour of oral sex, or an eight-inch cock, or someone who will wear a petticoat and clean her toilet. Is any joy to be had in these departments?

Find a beautiful professional who caters to men with interesting sexual desires. Pay her hourly rate, make an appointment in the bar or hotel room of your choosing (if you can find one that allows smoking), and let your eyes drink their fill as music and smoke waft through the room. I'm not sure what you want to do with the sexual tension that builds as you watch her smoking, but that would have to be negotiated with her as well.

This will keep your house free of smoke, and it also relieves you of any responsibility for creating a mutually satisfying sex life with a partner who will have her own demands. You might get lucky and meet a woman who shares your fetish, who won't charge a fee for performing, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I understand the intense pleasure that this activity gives you, having fetishes of my own. But after decades in the BDSM community, I can tell you that very specific fetishes that do not include a payoff for the partner are most easily satisfied only with a sex worker. Many of these ladies are charming and intelligent people who understand the vagaries of human sexuality better than the you or me. Once you find somebody who “gets” your trip, you will probably be in heaven. I hope so, because it is so painful and frustrating to know what you want in a sexual encounter and be unable to find it. So despite giving you a stiff lecture, I do hope that you will find what you want, and enjoy it often.

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