Question

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Question

Q

I've been sexually active for about four years now, yet I've never had a guy give me an orgasm. I can do it myself, just by playing with my clit, but I can't get one any other way. It's getting really tiring. I love the guy I'm with at the moment, so I fake it. But I feel like I'm being cheated. I want a great sex life, too!

Answer

The clitoris is a woman's primary sex organ, just as the penis is a man's. Expecting a woman to come without stimulating her clitoris is like expecting a man to have an orgasm just because somebody is playing with his balls. (Of course, there are some guys who can do this, just as there are a few women who can come from intercourse alone, but you get my point.)

If you don't want to come clean 100% about faking it, you're going to have to come up with some kind of excuse for sticking your finger down there while he's fucking you. You might want to say something like, "Oh my God, you've got me so turned on, I have to touch myself." If he's got half a brain, the sight of you being sexually assertive this way will be a huge turn-on. Being inside of you while you come really good won't hurt either.

It's true that some guys do feel threatened by a woman who's assertive about stimulating herself to enhance her sexual pleasure. Most men want to satisfy their partners in bed, but they may not have a lot of information about female anatomy. Our culture is pretty silent about exactly what it takes to make intercourse an orgasmic experience for most women. But things are getting better—even mainstream straight porn includes mandatory scenes of cunnilingus these days, and the actresses are rubbing their clits with a lot of enthusiasm. So that should be a clue!

But if your guy is unhappy about your need for manual stimulation, be prepared to educate him about how your body works. Tell him that you love having intercourse with him. (Although you may want to choose language that is more frank than that.) Let him know that when he is fucking you, it definitely increases your pleasure and drives you crazy with desire.

A man who is smart as well as horny will be paying attention to how you "do it," and at some point will probably offer to help. If he can get his finger on the button, he may feel better about this new technique being added to your lovemaking together. Masturbation is very helpful for showing your partner how you like to be touched, and it's also a great way to eroticize new sexual techniques. For example, say he wants to go down on you. You probably won't be able to come the first few times you try this. But if you know you can get yourself off, while he is holding you, after he's driven you crazy with his tongue, you'll be more likely to relax and get into it. Playing with your own clit while you are going down on him is also a big help with being able to open your throat and really enjoy giving him head. And watching him jerk off can give you a lot of clues about how to hold his cock, manipulate it, and tease him with your mouth and tongue.

There's nothing wrong with you for needing direct pressure on your clitoris in order to have a good orgasm. Most women's bodies work exactly the same way that yours does. So go ahead and bring that useful little organ into play, so to speak, while you are making love.