Respect Me

Friday, March 20, 2015

Question

Dear Patrick: I am a femme who is involved with a handsome butch who married me a year ago. We had been together almost ten years, and it was wonderful to have our grown children and our friends and family celebrate our relationship legally. I felt so loved by her. However, because we are part of the queer community, our relationship is not identical to a straight marriage. We have sexual friendships or play partners that are part of our family and our lives. Every few months, I go visit a butch friend who likes to bottom. I find that by then, I have built up a hell of a lot of dominatrix energy. (My primary partner is not kinky and is definitely not a bottom.) I spend a three-day weekend at my friend’s house, keeping her in handcuffs and making her come with my riding crop and my fist. By the time I leave, we are both worn out and happy. But … why is there always a “but”? I recently found out that she has been telling everybody in her local leather community that I come to her house to be topped. She does not own up to being a bottom. I am quite upset about this. I feel disrespected as a dominant, and I also feel like I don’t want to keep on seeing someone who is too ashamed or frightened to tell the truth about what she does with me. I thought she was proud and truthful about her heavy masochism. But she apparently feels she can’t be both a butch and a bottom, so she is lying to people about what we do. How can someone who claims to belong to me betray me like this? This gossip caused quite a lot of trouble between me and my spouse because I do NOT have permission to bottom for other people. My whole relationship with the out-of-town butch is based on the fact that I go to play the dominatrix because I don’t get to do that at home, My big-hearted lover wants me to have everything I need and express my complete nature. When she heard the false gossip that I was in a sling getting done by this person, she was livid. Of course, once we talked, she believed me rather than my out-of-town butch bottom, but now I don’t quite know how to fix the damage. I am really hurt and disappointed. I don’t want destroy a really wonderful play connection, but I also don’t want to be subjected to this kind of double standard nonsense. My slogan has always been respect me..

Answer

Dear Respect Me: I don’t think it is up to you to fix this. The onus is definitely on the person who spread the false rumors, and that would seem to be the person you were playing with. If they were in fact the one who was telling people that you were visiting to bottom to them, rather than the opposite, then you have a right to demand an apology and a public retraction. She needs to not only tell you she is sorry, she needs to make some kind of atonement to you personally, and then contact everyone who got this false information and tell them the truth. If she isn’t willing to do that, then I suggest that you find another play partner who has better manners and a more honest character. Believe me, she is not the only butch bottom out there. If you go to any leather event, you can pick them out by the dozens. I would say that a dominatrix of your abilities would be extremely popular, and it will probably take you about ten minutes to have a list of applicants for your favors, as well as a long waiting list, out the door and around the block. Your responsibility in this matter is limited to contacting the guilty party, letting her know the jig is up, and telling her what she has to do to fix it—if fixing it is possible. I am not sure I would ever trust such a person again. How do you know what rumors she would spread when she thought you were not able to find out about it? My experience has been that such rotten conduct can’t be corrected, and people like this only learn they have to change when the attention of the dominant is permanently removed. If they get a big fight and an intense punishment scene followed by a dramatic reconciliation, they simply learn that major misbehavior means they get a lot of attention and adrenaline. Which is what they want, of course. The top has a safe word, just like the bottom, and it is the simple word: No. No, I will not be calling you. No, I will not be seeing you. No, you will not be getting any more of this. No, I do not care to acknowledge that I ever knew you. No, I do not care if you are sorry, sad, lonely, or very sorry, very sad, and very lonely. N—O. No.

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