Rubbing them the wrong way

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Question

I'm rather shy and lacking in the experience department. I was much more interested in sexual theory when I was a young teen so I figured the summer would be a great time to gain some practice as well as some cash. I've been eyeing the classifieds for a while and I'm beginning to consider the "massage" ones—the ones perpetually hiring girls between 18 and 35 for "relaxing and soothing massages." Would you recommend trying it? What can I expect, keeping in mind that I have very little sexual experience? Is it simply a euphemism for prostitution or would I administer real massages to men who just like to fantasize without happy endings?

MIDNIGHT MASSEUSE

Answer

I'm wondering how you could have possibly taken an interest in sexual theory without having gleaned, from the pantheon of sex-trade worker memoirs crowding the women's studies and sexuality shelves of every bookstore, any practical information about this particular niche of the sex trade. For god's sake, Midnight, pull your head out of your Judith Butler and get with the program. Of course there's some kind of sex involved in relaxing and soothing massages performed by women in their idealized prime. What were you thinking? That you (an unqualified masseuse, let's not forget) would be paid to knead strangers everywhere but there while they revealed their sexual fantasies to you? And, anyway, how would this help you, except once again in a purely theoretical way, garner any serviceable sexual experience?

The sex industry, in all its manifestations, is certainly an interesting place to learn about sexuality, but in order to acquire that knowledge, you do have to participate. It's called a rub and tug, after all, not a rub and pry.

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