Sailor's Girl

Friday, April 29, 2005

Question

My husband and I would like to try anal sex on him with me using a strap-on. Any suggestions as to which one is best?

Answer

Oh, Gawd, girlfriend! Pleeeeze tell me that you will make him wear his uniform while you do him from behind! Does he look like Steve McQueen in those tight, white bell-bottom trousers and Navy blouse in "The Sand Pebbles"? Woof, woof. Okay—excuse me for acting like such a Big Fag. But if I didn't know anything about being a butt pirate, I wouldn't be of much use to you now, would I? There's something profoundly satisfying about helping heterosexuals to have a better love life. And I'm not being snotty when I say that. The usual divisions between gay sex and straight sex are breaking down, and that's a good thing. Lots of people might be shocked by the undisputed fact that many, many straight men like to get fucked by their wives and girlfriends. But I ask you, isn't it much harder to explain why every man isn't getting more fun out of his prostate? When I think about the numbers of erogenous zones that are going to waste all around me at this very minute, I just want to cry.

There are a lot of things you can do to make fucking your husband more fun for him and for you, too. First of all, go to the local drugstore and find the aisle where they sell "incontinence products." (I know, that doesn't sound very sexy. But wait!) You want to buy some extra-large-sized "changing pads" or "underpads." These are great to throw on the bed or over a pillow to catch any lube that slides off your bodies. After sex, they can be wadded up and tossed away.

The big ticket items for strap-on sex are, of course, the harness and the dildo. But please don't forget to buy some condoms (minus nonoxynol-9, which is irritating to the lining of the rectum) and some lubricant. The condom keeps bacteria and lube out of the pores of the toy's surface and makes it much easier to keep it clean. Some people find that water-based lube is serviceable for anal sex, but it is a bit thin. For dildo sex, you can use an oil-based product like Elbow Grease cream. This is thicker, longer-lasting, and provides a slicker slide for your ride. Oily products can damage the latex in condoms, so if you were letting a guy fuck you with his cock, you would insist on a water-based lubricant. You wouldn't want any pinholes or tears in the rubber through which STDs might be able to escape, along with sperm. But I have yet to have a condom tear when I am using a greasy dildo for anal sex.

Unless you and your guy have already experimented with dildos and know what size he enjoys, be conservative when it comes to picking out your phallic implement. On the Venus Envy website, I like the small Frisson for beginners or the Discovery. Other personal favorites are the Hot Rod (which comes in three sizes and is designed for prostate stimulation), Leo, Champlette, and Mistress. I recommend dildos made out of silicone because it's a nontoxic substance, unlike some of the "latex" dildos that are actually made out of polyvinyl chloride, a carcinogen. Silicone toys can be boiled (albeit briefly; please see manufacturer's suggestions for care). Most of the time, a simple soap-and-water washing will do just fine in between uses.

By the way, please don't use a dildo that's been in somebody's ass (yours or his) in your vagina. You didn't mention wanting to do this, but I thought I'd caution you anyway; moving a dick or a toy from anus to vagina without a thorough washing and new condom will almost certainly give you a vaginal infection. The flora and fauna that keep our bowels healthy don't belong in the vagina.

Since we're on the topic of hygiene, you might want to purchase an enema kit at the drugstore where you get your disposable trick towels or chucks. Give your guy a small enema with lukewarm water before anal sex to make sure his lower bowel is clean and empty. Allow about an hour to do this to make sure all the water has escaped. Depending on how he is built and what his diet is like, it can take more than one rinse to get him squeaky-clean.

Your build and sense of style are the two factors that determine which dildo harness is right for you. Women who are on the slender side often do well with a harness that resembles a G-string. Venus Envy sells the GD G-Style harness made out of denim. There's a waist belt and then one strap that goes between the legs, with a cock ring that can be used to hold the dildo in place. (You'll need a dildo with a base, or balls, obviously, or it will just slip through the ring.) Bigger women tend to like the harnesses that have two straps which go under the buttocks, sort of like a jock strap. I prefer a harness made out of nylon webbing or some other washable fabric (like the GD Jock) to one made out of leather because I want to be able to wash it when I'm done fucking. It's also nice to have a harness that will let you change the size of the cock ring, so you can get a snug fit that will hold the dildo in place and keep you in control of your tool.

Some women find that the rocking motion of the pelvis and the pressure of the harness straps stimulate them enough to generate an orgasm. There are some helpful products that can make it even more fun for you to plow away. An egg-shaped vibrator can be inserted in front or back hole to keep you entertained, or positioned over your clitoris. Using a longer dick can leave space for you to put a vibrator between your bodies, thus making your clit sing and the dildo vibrate in his butt. The Double Harness that Venus Envy sells makes it possible for you to insert your own dildo and keep it inside while you are fucking him. Some harnesses feature a pad behind the dildo and cock ring, which I think makes longer and harder sessions possible. Otherwise, you are likely to bruise your pubic mound the umpteenth time you slam it home.

Don't forget to trim your fingernails so you can use your hands to open him up for the Big One. Go slow, talk dirty, and when all else fails, use more lube.