Scared Limp

Friday, February 26, 2010

Question

I lost my virginity five years ago, and the experience was pretty horrendous. I really didn't know the girl. In fact, I'd met her that night at a pub. I was so eager to go at that point that it really could have been anyone. So I took her home and we were making out and got naked, but my cock was just not responding, I didn't know what to do. It was bad, it was awkward and she left that night.

The next day I came downstairs really depressed. Some of my friends had slept over, and they were really proud of me because they thought I'd lost my virginity. I put on a brave face and didn't tell them my cock had been too limp to penetrate her. Still, they looked at each other, took a deep breath and told me they'd thought I was gay. Again, this was not fun for me. I kind of mumbled that no, I was not a homosexual and then we ate breakfast.

I've had multiple partners since, all of them girls, a few really nice relationships, but I've had this problem maintaining an erection with all of them. The thing is, I really get turned on watching porn—I get a really huge boner. But with actual women it's never the same. The funny thing is, the more times I sleep with a girl, the more comfortable I get with her, the more turned on I get, the better it is to fuck.

Most of the time, though, I'm just there furiously jacking myself off, thinking filthy thoughts to myself and trying to keep her interested, then slipping on a condom and putting it in her pussy before I go soft. Once I've accomplished this, things are awesome. I really don't think this is a physical thing, because I am a healthy boy and, like I said, the porn.

Have I ruined my imagination with porn? I always had a vivid imagination, even as a child, I'd have elaborate fantasies, and admittedly they involved both men and women. Am I queer? If so, I'm okay with that. I definitely feel like my life is suffering because of this, and I want it to stop.

The Dolphin Guy

Answer

Oh, honey, you've just got to simmer down! At this rate, you're going to wake up one morning and find your penis has gone AWOL from all the stress you're putting it under. I'm seeing a version of Gogol's story "The Nose" here, except with the original analogy more obvious.

Though it appears your masturbation time is working out well for you, it's clear your face-to-face time with lovers is riddled with anxiety and self-​doubt. It's as if you feel you're somehow keeping a secret from your lovers by not sharing your fantasies, as if you think your lovers would be surprised or hurt to know that you're not purely focused on them and the present.

News flash, Dolphin: many of the women you're sleeping with are having fantasies of their own when you're humping away at them. Many people feel anxious about this because they feel their internal fantasies make the exchange itself less valid. Add to that your ambivalent feelings about your sexuality and of course partner sex is an intimidating prospect, because you feel like a total fraud.

A good way of being more present and relaxed during sex (and easing some of the pressure off your dick) is to actually verbalize your fantasies with your lovers instead of hoarding them as if they were shameful. And here's a term you might want to get acquainted with: bisexuality. Could be you like the hole and the pole. Consider joining a couple of queer cruising sites and see if anyone sparks your interest.

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