Scared of Cumming

Monday, November 29, 1999

Question

After your last article about female ejaculation, I started reading up on this issue. I first squirted over three years ago, and ever since then I have been utterly embarrassed about it. I've never really understood it—why it happens, what it is, etc.

You mentioned that the liquid is not urine. But here's my question. Could it ever be urine? I feel that when my G-spot is stimulated, my bladder is being juggled around. I'm not sure if it is urine or some other liquid that escapes. Also, I don't squirt, I just continually lose liquid. I'm so confused!

My boyfriend doesn't mind it at all (thankfully), but I have had to stop myself from coming when we have sex, unless we are in the shower. I'm right on the edge, then my brain starts working, I freeze up, and my orgasm is gone. I am afraid to leave that wet spot on the bed. It just reminds me of a child wetting the bed. Not only that, I am afraid my boyfriend will be repulsed if I really let myself go.

How do I handle this situation? I haven't been comfortable enough to have an orgasm during intercourse because I am afraid I will ejaculate. It's really slowed our sex life down, and I don't know what to do about it.

Am I the only one who is confused about this? Is my G-spot just in the wrong place? Can I stop myself from ejaculating? Is there any medication that could help me with that? I don't want this to happen to me any more., I want to be able to come anywhere, any time!

Answer

People who think female ejaculation is cool will often claim that the liquid is not urine. Some research supports this belief. But the fact is that if there is a problem with the sphincters that control the bladder, it is possible for some women to have urinary leakage during sex, when they laugh, when they cough or sneeze, etc. I think you ought to see a really good gynecologist, consult an endocrinologist, and also see a urologist. Get evaluated to determine whether there is any problem with bladder control. This is actually a very common problem, and there are medications and surgical options that can help you.

In the meantime, start doing kegels. Next time you have to urinate, deliberately stop the flow of urine. The muscle that you used to do that is the pubococcygeus or PC muscle, a long one that supports the vulva. It is part of a system of muscles that contract when you have an orgasm as well as when you need to pee. Exercising that muscle can help with urinary problems and also improve orgasms. So while you are reading or sitting at a red light, deliberately contract your PC muscle. Flutter it as quickly as you can, or squeeze it hard and then hold it to a count of five. Be patient; building control takes time. And a strong PC muscle may not be enough, on its own, to solve this problem, if it is with your bladder and urethra.

I wish I could convince all of my readers to abandon their phobias about body fluids. Urine is no more disgusting than saliva, and you swallow that several times a day. It's very clean, containing no bacteria, and doesn't even necessarily have a strong smell. If we took the worst case scenario and said that you were losing a little pee when you had an orgasm, why would that be such a terrible thing? I am bringing this up because I suspect that no matter what your doctors tell you, you are going to continue to worry about exactly what is coming out of your body when you have sex. Some women do lubricate a great deal; thin lubricant flows continuously from the vagina. I've been with women who ejaculate and been 100% convinced that they weren't secreting urine, but I've also been with women who lost some bladder control when they came. Either way, who cares, as long as you accept it, prepare for it, and make sure that cleanup is easy?

Your lack of trust in your partner and negative attitudes about your own body are keeping you from really enjoying sex. Unless you can learn to embrace some of the messier aspects of adult pleasures, I think you will continue to stop yourself from losing control. And that may be the real issue. Having an orgasm with a partner is scary for many women because they are afraid to have someone else see them when they are simply reacting without taking any thought about how they look. I can assure you that the ego rush and intimacy of being with your partner when they come is so intense that there's no room left for judgment. Each woman looks a little different when she comes, but all of them are beautiful.

Men know when they are aroused because they can see that they have an erection. Knowing whether a female partner is aroused is much more difficult. Being able to feel her lubrication or actually see her squirting is often really wild fun. It certainly proves she is as turned-on as you are!

While a weak bladder can be corrected most of the time, female ejaculation usually doesn't stop. I don't know of any way to turn it off without turning off the whole sexual response cycle. And what fun is that?

If you read my previous articles, you know what I suggest for women who get extra-wet or ejaculate. Get a plastic sheet for the bed. Put a nice fitted sheet on top of it so it won't feel stick to your ass when you are on top of it. This will catch fluid if you are in a doggy-style position. Or just buy some disposable pads that are used for incontinent adults. All drugstores sell them. These pads are soft on one side and plastic on the other, so if you are on top of them, the wetness won't leak through to the mattress. Have a stack of old towels by the bed. They can be used to mop up any escaping surplus fluid.

Once you are done having sex, strip off the wet linens, put them in a bag, and get them to the washing machine the next day. Cuddle with each other and enjoy being together.

You and your man are in the wonderful position of loving, wanting, and enjoying one another. I hear from so many couples who are unable to enjoy themselves sexually due to a lack of desire. Be bold, embrace the reality of your body, and be grateful that you are a woman who can have an orgasm. Many of your sisters can't. (Not yet, anyway.)