Self-Censoring Top

Friday, April 25, 2008

Question

My utterly glamorous and smart-as-a-whip submissive, masochistic slave girl is a screamer. We've been living together for six months, and I'm not happy about the effect this is having on our sex life. So far, nobody in the apartment building has complained, but I find myself holding back because I don't want to elicit the ultimate response from her. She typically screams, full-throated. It sounds like somebody is killing her, then she cries very loudly. Given that we've been asked to leave S/M play parties because she disturbs other players, I don't know how long I can keep the peace in my place. She says that without making all that racket, she can't experience a full sexual release. Even during vanilla sex, she makes a fair amount of noise. I certainly don't want to have sex with her if she isn't going to get off. But I also don't want a hassle with my landlord. You must have encountered this problem before. There's one of 'em at every party, eh? (Screamers, I mean.) What do you recommend?

Answer

You are correct to be concerned about this. The public consciousness about domestic violence is getting higher and higher. While this is definitely a good thing, it makes it difficult for those of us who enjoy rough sex to distinguish ourselves from the bad guys. I've heard more than one scary story from S/M couples who had the police knock on their door to rescue the damsel in distress. This is a major buzz kill. Arrest of the top is unlikely but has happened.

The first thing you should do is present this problem to your submissive and ask her what SHE thinks should be done. Since she is your slave, it would not be inappropriate to order her to present you with three solutions in, say, three days' time. She is the one who is making all the noise—she is the one who says she can't be fully satisfied sexually without it; hence, the problem is all in her demure little lap.

I'm sure the practical options have already occurred to you. You could invest some money in sound-proofing the room where you play most often. This can be quite expensive, depending on how far you are prepared to take it. But a full-throated scream is one of the most difficult sounds in nature to camouflage. Evolution probably designed it that way. People who got into trouble and couldn't make enough noise to summon help probably didn't live long enough to contribute a lot to the gene pool.

Hint: Playing music is not enough. This will simply make it sound like you are playing music while torturing some poor soul to death, and it will only enhance your reputation in the neighborhood as a budding serial killer. Which you are not, I know, but the vanilla world has an inflamed erotic imagination. A gag might help, but most of them are just for show. The technical problem is to make a gag that can stop someone from yelling without cutting off their access to air. Consult your local toymakers or leather shop for some suggestions. Then there's the option of modifying your schedule. You can do your scenes when your next-door or upstairs neighbors aren't home, or restrict heavy scenes for play parties where they aren't being big girls' blouses about some heavy play. If that doesn't seem to be enough, perhaps you have the means to buy a house with enough land around it to muffle milady's ululations.

Finally, it occurs to me that someone who wants to be under your control for every hour of her waking life is subject to your complete and grand authority. Tell the bitch to shut up. If she makes so much as a whimper, the play will end, the bondage will come off, any genital contact will be broken, and she will spend the night alone, naked in a cold room, with her hands tied behind her back so she cannot pleasure herself. You won't be able to retrain her without exercising an iron will.

And if you don't have the cojones, my friend, you are the submissive in this relationship. You have, not a slave, but a scenery-chewing, spoiled brat who expects to be entertained 24/7. I'm serious! Most tops have major struggles with co-dependency. The best author on this topic is Pia Mellody. Twelve-step groups also exist in most big cities.

By the way, do you mind e-mailing me her list of solutions? I'd love to see what she comes up with. If she has some decent ideas, or takes any responsibility for this serious situation, I'll admit I'm wrong about my tentative diagnosis of your relationship dynamic, and apologize in print.

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