Sheet La Merde

Friday, February 25, 2011

Question

The most awkward thing just happened to me and I don’t know what to do. I decided to have casual sex with a guy I know, and for the first time we actually did just that. Everything was going fine until he came. As he was coming, the air was filled with the most wretched smell of shit from hell!

Now, I’m not afraid of funky odours (I used to work as a nursing aid), but this was just unbelievably rank! At first I thought he’d just passed some gas (it happens to the best of us) and thought nothing more of it until he actually got up to go to the bathroom. I looked at my sheets and was horrified to discover that there were shit smears on my bed and on the floor near the condom wrapper we used. I actually checked to make sure it wasn’t coming from me, and since it wasn’t, there can’t be many other people likely responsible for this incident.

He said nothing, and me neither, but now I’m sorta worried about having sex with him again. I honestly don’t care that he smeared my sheets; rather, it’s the fact that he said nothing about it that sorta pisses me off.

I would like to know how to broach the subject with him in a tactful way so I don’t upset him. On top of this, he’s also my landlord, which sorta complicates things, since I don’t feel I can just tell him, “Hey, stop shitting on my sheets!” Any advice would be splendid, because I am at a loss for words right now. Not to mention, I’m curious to find out if this is a common problem.

Answer

You’re fucking your landlord, he shits all over your sheets and doesn’t even offer you a rent break. God, I miss Montreal.

For sure, some people pinch out a little turd when they come, no matter what their gender. Also, it’s not un-usual to get poo on someone when they’ve been banging you in the ass or vice versa; no need to make a huge fuss about it, as you say – maybe a little awkward hardy-haring followed by a bunch of pseudo-/genuinely contrite whoopsy daisies.

But to cack all over someone’s bed and floor and not say a word? I feel like I should mail you a consolation prize. (If you’d like something erotic-like, send me your snail mail and tell me what you enjoy. Book or toy – I can probably dig up something suitable for the occasion).

Condolences aside, I’m not going to say that a shit shower was something you should have anticipated before embarking on an affair with the man who owns your building. But as casual connections go, you might have given some consideration to the intrinsic power dynamic.

Perhaps it takes an experienced lover to cheerfully acknowledge such a personal yet (hopefully) unintentional offence, but my feeling is that when the pooper doesn’t recognize his or her misdeed with some easygoing jocularity, that person is clearly in a huge state of denial. Or they are fucking mental. Or scared shitless. I guess it’s up to you to read the situation and see how you want to proceed with this.

If you are concerned your housing status might be compromised by your saying “Please don’t shit on my sheets,” fear not. Not that there’s any section on CanLaw (canlaw.com/tenants/tenants.htm) that covers this possible risk in detail but let’s face it, if things did get ugly, this is the sort of thing the francophone tabloid media would be all over like…well, you know.

If you do plan on pursuing the liaison, the thing to do is go bang in his bed, so he can clean it up afterwards. (Although, lord knows, if he’s comfortable shitting on a relative stranger’s floor, what his own apartment looks like).

Because you were in health care, you probably know this, but feces can carry some pretty nasty little bugs. I’ve known escorts who have gotten hep A from fucking people in the ass with a dildo and having shit dribble into their crotch. So if this concerns you, consider having some tests done related to fecal matter and infection.