Friday, April 18, 2014


Dear Patrick: I had to get some vodka for a party so I took a friend with me to the liquor store. She was pointing out the cover of a women’s magazine and laughing at a headline that claimed you can learn how to be the best lover in the world. But later I realized that I WANT to be the best lover in the world. If I take a man to bed, I want him to be destroyed by pleasure.

 Is there anything you can do in bed that would completely blow a man’s mind? Something that would drive him wild, not sure if he is in heaven or in hell? I want a technique or a toy or anything that will make me unforgettable. If we quit seeing each other, I want him to miss me forever.

            On the flip side, is there anything you should not do in bed because men hate it? Even if it is something everybody does, I don’t care, I want to know. I don’t want to be a dud.



These are tough questions because there are no generic answers. Like women, men’s sexuality varies from one individual to the other. For example, it would probably be safe to advise you to learn how to give an amazing blowjob. Stick dildos down your throat and do self-hypnosis or biofeedback or whatever it takes to send your gag reflex packing. My theory is that men like getting head because it is a way for them to lay back, receive pleasure, and feel taken care of WITHOUT sacrificing their masculinity. If you are willing to give them head in front of a mirror, that’s even better for some reason. I don’t know why looking at sex in a mirror is hotter than just looking at the woman who has your cock down her throat. But who am I to question a proven crowd-pleaser?

            Unfortunately, even if you become a paragon of deep-throating, it won’t do you much good if you run into a guy who doesn’t like oral sex. They do exist. If I tell you to become an utter cum slut, you will please a lot of men who are tired of "uptight chicks" who think their ejaculate is icky. But there are a few men who don’t like their own cum (or anybody else’s), and a woman who lives to get more of it will terminally squick them.

            Regarding male sex-technique taboos, I could advise you to leave his nipples and his asshole alone. A lot of straight men find attention to these areas annoying or threatening. Then what will you do when you encounter a guy who wants you to bite his tits or probe his butt? Tell him he is wrong, and statistics indicate he doesn’t really want that?

            From my conversations with straight men, I have found that the ones who are good in bed are less concerned with what you do to their bodies than they are with your pleasure. A woman who can say what she likes and give specific feedback (especially during oral sex) is rare. There are still a few stupid guys out there who think that sex is just about them getting off. All they want is a woman who will shut up and spread her legs. But you don’t want to have one of those dinosaurs at your beck and call anyway! I think the question of whether you might want a real dinosaur at your beck and call is too big a digression.

            Be wary of turning yourself into a lodestone of sexuality who is pursued by all and sundry. It can be very uncomfortable to be the target of obsession and harassment. A person who can’t stop thinking about you can twist your life out of shape for a lot longer than it takes a hangnail to stop smarting. They can even be dangerous. If you reduce somebody to a pile of smoking rubble, you may incur a certain amount of responsibility for their future well-being. I can promise you that someone who is that big a mess is not going to snap back to mundane reality without a lurch and a stumble. Do you want a bottom who is, in every meaningful way except legally, your toy and property?

            Being a good lover does take an open mind and the willingness to learn how other people’s bodies and minds work. Sex is not just about stimulating erogenous zones, it is also requires you to intuit what these touches mean to people. One kind of touch can make them feel amazing; move six inches over, and you have degraded them. You need sensitivity (if not outright telepathy) as well as compassion for the frailty and ecstatic potential of mortal flesh. But even the most broad-minded lovers will probably have certain things they don’t care to do. Respect your own boundaries as well as those of your bedmates.

            The better you know yourself, the more likely you are to find a compatible friend and lover (or maybe more than one). Being a femme fatale appeals to a lot of narcissists. You can maintain that social position by doing the same thing over and over again with a long list of willing semi-strangers. It’s harder to fall in love and stick around to find out what that turns into as time passes. Sex in the service of love usually feels better and takes you to a deeper place. This may sound odd coming from the poster child for sluthood, but I never said I was consistent.

            This is not to knock the value of a good one-night stand. Casual sex has its own cathartic dynamic and its own lessons to teach. But if we are talking about your Life Plan for Your Libido, I just thought I should put in a plug for being treasured and finding someone who wants to make your own fantasies come true.


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