Six-Minute Man

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Question

I come too fast. My girlfriend is really pissed at me for being a premature ejaculator. She doesn't want to have sex any more because she says I just frustrate her and make a mess. I would like to be a better sex partner. It's humiliating for me to have my body malfunction. But thinking about baseball scores or taking out the garbage is not helping me to last longer. I saw an ad for some cream that supposedly helps you to last longer but it was expensive. Can you recommend a good product for this purpose?

Answer

The truth is that most guys don't last much longer than ten minutes during intercourse. It's a rare guy who can fuck for hours without coming. And some of those guys simply can't come during intercourse; they have to pull out and jack off to get enough hard and fast stimulation to shoot.

So what is a premature ejaculation? It seems to be pretty subjective to me. I once spoke with a gentleman who felt he had this problem, and when I asked him how long he lasted during intercourse with his girlfriend, he said forty-five minutes was the average. In that case, my diagnosis is that she is the one who is having trouble with orgasms; not him.

The best definition is probably a situation in which the man comes before his partner has been sexually satisfied (provided she is able to be orgasmic during intercourse in the first place). In this situation, the man is probably not feeling very satisfied either. There's something about shooting really quickly that leaves a guy feeling cheated. We'd all like to have sexual encounters that last longer because that means experiencing more pleasure. We want to be studs who drive women mad with our prowess, and if we are in a good relationship, we want to enjoy a lengthy period of intimacy and closeness with our lover. It's no fun to be the bad dog who has to slink away and sleep in the shed.

One of the things that sets a guy up to come too quickly is childhood experience with secretive, rapid masturbation. If it's hard for a kid to find privacy to jerk off, and if he needs to make it snappy so he doesn't get caught (or if he's hurrying because he feels like he's doing something wrong), he's basically teaching his dick to rush the process. His body never learns how to hold sexual tension without instantly releasing it. The natural, slow buildup of arousal makes him anxious.

You need to slow way down when you jerk off. And you need to learn how to recognize what leads up to a phase in your sexual response cycle that's called the point of ejaculatory inevitability. At that point, a man is going to come no matter what happens. He loses control and ejaculates.

If you can identify your state of being right before ejaculatory inevitability, you can stop touching yourself. Keep track of your physical state. Is your heartbeat fast, are you curling your toes, has your breathing acquired a certain rapid, jerky rhythm? What does your dick feel like? Have your balls started to climb toward your body?

Prolonging an erection is a matter of pacing. You have to slow down your strokes and reduce the amount of stimulation. This is easier to control during masturbation. Practice until you feel that you can recognize how close you are to shooting and halt just shy of that point, back down, let yourself become slightly less excited, and then build your excitement again. You have to learn how to tease yourself. Paying attention to parts of your body other than your dick might help.

Most creams and lotions for premature ejaculation contain numbing ingredients. But what is the point in having sex with a penis that can't feel anything? How can someone maintain an erection with anesthetic all over his cock? These products probably work for some guys just because they have a placebo effect. If you think some pill or ointment is going to help you achieve a certain physical state, it often will.

I'd suggest the above process instead, which is not a quick fix, but will permanently change how your body functions sexually. And it's free! The skills you learn during solo sex can help you last longer with a partner. But she is going to have to be patient and work on her communication with you. If you tell her to slow down or stop moving, you need to know that she will do that to help you prolong your excitement. The two of you can hold one another, talk dirty, or just look into one another's eyes. Eventually this will become second nature, but in the beginning, allow yourself time to learn a new way of relating to one another. She will need to change as much as you.

Sometimes it also helps to take performance pressure off of your dick. If your partner needs penetration to come, you can always use a sex toy while you go down on her. She can masturbate to orgasm while you play with her breasts. Of course, this means she needs to become more sexually autonomous. Her orgasm is her responsibility, although you certainly want to be a participant and assistant in that process. And there are many ways for two adults to gratify one another's lust.

Finally, I have to say that your girlfriend sounds like a bitch. I can understand her feeling rejected or frustrated when sex isn't ideal. But what is this crap about you "making a mess"? If this woman is phobic about men's bodies or feels disgusted by your semen, no wonder you want to get in her and get off as quickly as possible! Sounds to me like you are trying to get away from her. Somebody who is this negative may not be able to give you support for changing the way that you have sex. If you don't have a problem with prolonged masturbation, or if you've never had a problem with ejaculating quickly with other partners, well, there is at least a chance that the problem is in the relationship, not in your equipment. If I have gotten the wrong idea, I apologize; I may be making too much out of a chance comment.