Dear Patrick: Some of my girlfriends claim that you can tell how well-endowed a guy is by looking at certain parts of his anatomy. One of them claims she can always tell by looking at the size of his feet. Another one claims guys with big noses have big penises. This argument goes on and on. Is either one of them right? I would like to know because I don’t think I would enjoy sleeping with someone who had a gigantic cock. The normal size is best for me. Maybe I should be avoiding certain guys to make sure I have a good fit. This probably sounds like a raunchy conversation, but it’s anonymous, so don’t judge me!
Dear Small Girl: Hmmm. I always assumed that if you wanted to know how big somebody’s cock was, you should look at the size of his package, not his boots, nose, or knuckles. Of course, there are the guys who are “all balls,” or have socks in their jocks. I asked a friend of mine what she would do about this ambiguity, and she replied, “If I want to know how big someone’s cock is, I make a cheerful offer of fellatio.” That would certainly give your research a boost! It occurs to me that this whole conversation does not make room for “growers not show-ers.” There are a select few men whose cocks are not impressive until they get a little friendly attention, at which point, they blossom like a desert rose, to take a metaphor from my Mormon childhood completely out of context.
Before I finish this column, I want to validate your desire to find a partner who is a good fit. That old canard about “one size fits all” (or rather, one vagina can accommodate a penis of any size, and take pleasure in the small as well as the tall) is simply not true. While some women have strong PC-muscles and can contract around a small penis with as much enjoyment as a large one, there are other women who find a large cock uncomfortable or even painful. You may not be as deep as some women are built, or your vaginal walls may not be as flexible due to hormones or genetics. And some women find that after menopause, their vaginal dimensions and desires are quite different.
I am always, always, always getting letters from men who have measured their erections in every conceivable way and want to know if their equipment is substandard. Most men are convinced that their hardware, which can’t be changed much, is inadequate. I think this actually comes from the knowledge that they don’t know enough about making love to be superior performers. A man who knows what to do with a clitoris, prostate, foreskin, or the major muscle groups of the shoulders and buttocks is much less likely to spend his days with a ruler and a solitary frown.
As for you, Small Girl, never forget that consent is an ongoing process, not a one-time exchange. You are not obligated to have sex with a man just because you consented to let him take his pants off in your bedroom. If he seems impossible to enjoy, you have a right to say “no.” If you are kindly disposed toward the gentleman, you might be a merciful and benevolent Sex Goddess and award your devotee with a manual polishing of his primary utensil so he can go away without poking a hole in his jeans. But that is 100% up to you.
In the decades I have been doing lectures and workshops, writing advice columns, answering phones at San Francisco Sex Information, and so forth, I have heard women express preferences for long dicks, fat cocks, smaller erections, or no penetration at all. There is no reason for me to believe they were lying. I think these were all women who had enough experience and self-esteem to know what felt good and what did not. For heaven’s sake, Anais Nin wrote a short story about a very successful bawd who made a name for themselves by being able to intuitively match cocks and cunts so that there was perfect congress between them. Enough said!