Tickle Fanatic

Friday, October 27, 2006

Question

I am a woman in her early 30s, and I have a very specific interest in bondage. I like to be tied up and tickled. When it is happening, I will do or say anything to make it stop, so I have to be in escape-proof knots. But if it continues despite my begging and pleading for it to stop, I have a spontaneous orgasm. This is not the same kind of orgasm that I have if I am masturbating or receiving oral sex, but it is very special and leaves me in a kind of trance. I feel blissed out for hours afterward. If I have to go too long between episodes of being bound and tickled until I scream, I get kind of cranky and grouchy, like PMS without the hormones.

My problem is that I am having trouble finding tops who will stop there. Fortunately, I live in a city big enough to have a BDSM community. And I've found a few guys who would be happy to tie me up. But they lose interest as soon as they hear that all I want is to be tickled. I have no interest in nipple clips, spanking, hot wax, or role-playing. S/M tops get me tied up and then try to introduce other activities, and I have to say no. Then the scene is over, and we both feel bad.How can I make myself better understood?

Answer

I know there are other people out there who share your interest, because I received more than one question about tickling when I wrote an advice column for the now-defunct gay male magazine, Bound and Gagged. But I don't think your problem is poor communication. You aren't having any problem telling the tops that you meet what you like. They are having a hard time understanding that you really are interested in only one activity once you are inescapably roped. They are used to bottoms who want a lot more than that—bottoms who have conditioned them to continually pull new forms of domination and stimulation out of their black leather toy bags.

You might want to read the column that I wrote last week. The gentleman who wrote in was interested in foot worship, but I think the two of you have similar issues.

Because your desire is so specific, you don't have too many options. You have to go without tickle torture until you can find the person whose fantasy exactly matches your own, or you have to learn to expand your repertoire, so that the other person gets more out of the play. If tickling is not a top's fetish, he will have trouble getting aroused or getting off on it.

It sounds like you enjoy vanilla sex as well as tickling. So I am wondering why you wouldn't be willing to, for example, give the top some oral service while you are tied up. The offer of a blowjob from a bound maiden might be enough of a lure to get somebody all hot and bothered—or the opportunity to have sex once the ropes come off. A sadist might be willing to do this if you described the whole thing as being incredibly painful. Someone into daddy/girl role-playing might do it if you were willing to call him "daddy" a few times. Use your imagination.

It also occurs to me that perhaps the BDSM community, with its bewildering array of devices and techniques, might not be the ideal venue. Maybe you should bring this up with guys who don't deliberately hang their keys on their belt to signal a sexual preference. Many men want to do whatever it takes to please a lover. They welcome any sign of erotic assertiveness. You may have to show them how to tie you up so that you can't escape, but it should take only a couple of experiments before they "get it." Because you need to be tickled while you are begging him to stop, you need some other signal to let him know it's time to let up. You can tickle someone until they wet themselves or stop breathing, so this is pretty important. How about a marble you can drop on the floor when you've had enough, or a safe word like calling him Mister Whatever-his-last-name-is?

As I pointed out last week, sex is an exchange. There are a fair number of women out there who don't particularly like sucking cock. But they can't very well ask their partners to give them head if they aren't willing to reciprocate. So be prepared to hear what his deep, dark sexual secret is once you tell him yours. Once he's taken you on your hottest trip, I hope you will be willing and able to do the same for him.

If you can expand the limits of your fantasy just a bit, say less than five degrees, you will increase your dating pool significantly.