Dear Patrick: My girlfriend says my tongue is too short to satisfy her. She won’t let me go down on her very often. When she does, she stops me after a few minutes, laughs, and claims she won’t ever be able to come because my tongue isn’t long enough. If she would just relax and let me work on her clit, she would get wet and be able to come. I know it because I have not had a problem satisfying other women orally. I love pussy, and the one thing all of my exes have said is they miss those long afternoons of having one orgasm after another while I gave them head. But she won’t listen to me—about this or anything else. We don’t have sex very often. She claims she doesn’t like to kiss or make out because it will mess up her hair or her makeup or her outfit. Her criticism has made me self-conscious about my face. But I don’t think there is really anything the matter with me. Wouldn’t a doctor or a dentist have told me if my tongue was abnormal? How can I get her to give me a chance?
Look, you. Your stubbornness is clearly an issue here! You are like the man who found a poisoned spring, but kept drinking from it because it looked so pretty out in the middle of the desert. I’m not sure what kind of hold this woman has on you, but the connection doesn’t sound very healthy to me. Why do you want a girl who never listens to you, doesn’t like to kiss or make out, won’t have sex with you very often, refuses one of your favorite types of sex, and then to top it all off, makes fun of your body and blames you for her weird behavior? Maybe she is exceptionally beautiful, and her good looks have vanquished all of your common sense. Or maybe you are so used to being praised for your skills at giving head that you just can’t quite believe there is a girl out there who is happy to say, “No, thank you, I don’t want any.” Well, get over it. You are being rejected. It happens to all of us, even the most studly. And when you are rejected, the sensible thing to do is pick your ego and your jaw up off the floor and MOVE ON, dude. Move on!
There are many reasons why a woman would refuse to receive oral sex. I can list some of them, but please remember, I don’t know your girlfriend, so I can’t tell you what is going on inside her head. Some women feel that oral sex is not “nice.” This may spring from negative feelings about pussy. They are not comfortable with the thought of a lover being that close to the look, smell, and taste of their genitals. The idea of laying back and receiving pleasure can, ironically, cause some women to experience an uncomfortable amount of anxiety or pressure to perform. It’s very different from the expectations placed on her during intercourse, where she is merely expected to please her lover. Some women are not orgasmic, and they don’t want to receive oral sex because they are afraid they will be found out. If a woman has chronic pelvic or genital pain, or if she has a very sensitive clitoris or inner lips, oral sex can be unpleasant. Some women still don’t know about the clitoris and believe all sexual stimulation and sensation should be confined to the vagina. There are also some women who really don’t enjoy direct clitoral stimulation all that much, they only react to penetration. So if sex doesn’t involve being filled up, they are not likely to be aroused by it.
Unless you can get this … Born In a Touchy Condition Human … to be honest with you (and that doesn’t seem very likely), you may never know what the real problem is. It could be one of the things I listed above or something else, unique to her life experience or personality. The one thing you DO know about is yourself, and that’s the only thing you have control over—your own feelings, your own needs, your own behavior. There are many women out there looking for passion, for romance, for erotic attention from a considerate male lover. Consider opening your eyes and your heart to someone who is less mean-spirited. You might discover that there is a sweet, beautiful, and horny girl you already know who will not refuse you.
I absolutely want to refute her claim that it takes a long tongue to be good at giving a woman oral sex. That is simply not true. Real cunnilingus (as opposed to what they have to do in porn movies to capture the act on camera) does not involve a tongue stuck out with only the tip making contact with the clitoris or labia. It is up close and personal, with the lover’s face buried between the woman’s thighs. All parts of the mouth and face can come into play. The lips, teeth, tongue, gums, even the chin and the nose can be used to put pressure on or stroke sensitive parts of her sex. Women have wonderfully built genitals that include many pretty parts. Stroking on either side of the inner lips, moving the clit gently up and down or side-to-side, pushing on the clit, licking the urethral opening, stimulating the tissues that lead into the vagina—all of these actions can create arousal and lead to orgasm. You don’t need a long tongue to perform any of these techniques.
Even if the woman you are making love to enjoys penetration, it is best to reserve your tongue for her clitoris, and use fingers or a toy for penetration during oral sex. A tongue can only reach the first inch or so of her vaginal opening, and will not be able to apply pressure to the G-spot or manipulate her cervix. Since the vagina mostly feels pressure, use of the tongue is not your best allocation of sexual resources.
If you do succeed in getting your current lover to be honest with you about why she doesn’t want to receive oral sex, maybe the two of you can find a way to make love that works better for both of you. Maybe she will find a way to lay back and enjoy oral sex, or maybe good sex for her can’t include that sexual technique. Either way, she needs to stop worrying so much about keeping her lipstick tidy and allow herself to enjoy getting beautifully mussed up in bed!