Transformation

Friday, January 22, 2010

Question

A year ago I had the opportunity to meet a lovely young woman. After getting to know her for a while, she mentioned that she was trans. She was worried I would react negatively but surprisingly I didn't. After being involved with her for close to a year she decided that we should break things off, using the "it's not you, it's me" line.

I have gotten back into dating. The problem I am having though is that I'm having difficulty finding someone I like. As far as I know, every woman I've gone out with after my ex has been biologically female. So what I'm wondering is, should I give other trans women another chance? I'm just really confused. Do you have anything to say that could help me figure this out?

KM

Answer

Have disheartening experiences with biological women prevented you from dating them again? Probably not, and it looks like your first relationship with a transsexual woman ended as characteristically as so many do. The "it's not you it's me" speech can leave you feeling a little duped, a little groundless and sometimes it feels like an insultingly benevolent fiction, but turn it over and look at it another way and you'll see there is some real truth to it. Their feelings have changed, you haven't. So yeah, it really is them and not you. Sure, it still kinda sucks the wienie but anyone could have said this to you and I'm sure they have, regardless of their biological sex.

Swearing off a "type" is something we do to protect ourselves from hurt. Falling in love with someone—especially, I would say, someone who expands our vision of ourselves and our desires—and losing them can bring up a lot of old fear, which for many of us manifests as anger. It can feel easier, more reliable, to sit in anger than heartbreak but in the long run, this makes it harder to acknowledge that we can get past it and trust again. Let the heartbreak run its course, be gentle with yourself and keep a broad mind. Consider yourself a lucky man: there's a whole other segment of the female population you're open to dating.