Trying to Thaw

Friday, April 22, 2005

Question

I have been a top in all my relationships, enjoying being in charge and developing supersensitivity to other people's secret desires, wounds, and needs for sexual healing. Almost the entire time, I have also been stone. Now I long for someone who can read me as I trained myself to read others. I am no longer interested in my old sexual pattern and have stopped being intimate with people altogether. I keep thinking about a Daddy who understands and accepts my stone dyke body, and whose Daddy love for me is sexual and emotionally charged. I am happy with my fantasies of tranny or bio men, but I am shy and it takes me a long time to trust people, let alone submit. How do I start a new pattern? How do I look for someone like this? And if I manage to find a hot, sexy Daddy who wants my release, there is the issue of being stone. I may want to change, but you know how it is.... Any tips on how to move stone? Can it be done?

Answer

For those readers who are not familiar with lesbian slang, I want to explain that "being stone" refers to the experience of a female-bodied person whose self-expression is usually masculine; this person does not allow sexual partners to touch certain parts of her body, or perhaps any part of her body. Stone butches are women who provide sexual release for their partners. Their own sexual release comes either from vicarious pleasure in their partner's climax, from indirect stimulation like dry humping or tribadism, or from masturbation.

The lack of good tops in the BDSM community is a crisis that we've been unwilling or unable to address. I keep publicizing the idea that everyone should learn how to top because it isn't fair for some of us to go wanting. Many bottoms are reluctant to top because they are afraid that's all they will ever get to do. But if more of us were switches, think of the complex and wonderful relationships we could have! Being able to top makes a bottom a better player, in my opinion, because they understand more of what is going on in the top's head. (The same thing goes for tops experimenting with bottoming.) Being able to see a session from the other point of view makes your expectations more realistic, creates new fantasies, brings you closer to your partner, and empowers you to make new choices when you play.

I believe there are a lot of tops like you who are touch-deprived and overworked. Being willing to work on letting your guard down and allowing others to give you physical pleasure or affection is a huge step forward. I'm really pleased and proud of you. Having been through similar experiences myself, I will share what I've tried with you, but you are a unique individual, so not everything I say may apply to you or help you. So feel free to keep in touch as you make this journey and let me know how you are doing. Try to be patient and compassionate with yourself. You know a lot about S/M from the top side, but very little about receiving, submission, masochism, or vulnerability. You are going to feel some anxiety, and not every attempt you make to get your needs met will be successful. For now, you will have to be a good daddy for yourself.

The first thing I would prescribe is a course on sadomasochistic self-pleasure. Get out the paddles, the nipple clamps, the hot wax, and the bondage gear. Do some experimenting with reading or watching porn, fucking yourself, hurting your own nipples, dripping hot wax on your thighs, tying yourself up, hitting your own ass, etc. Find out what's different between the fantasy of doing something and the way it really feels. Find out what gets you hot. You are experienced, trustworthy, and imaginative, so expend a lot of that energy on your own body. Understand that even if nobody else is there to top you, you can get at least some of what you want from yourself. The knowledge that you gather about how your body, heart, and mind work can be shared with a daddy of your own.

If masturbation is too much to ask from yourself, do things that are not so explicitly sexual. Get a massage. Start receiving some body-work. Spend time in a hot tub or sauna. Take a class in tai-chi. The point is to do things that will get you in touch with your body and make you more comfortable living in your own flesh. Pamper yourself with fancy soap, new underwear, or a different haircut. You deserve to be spoiled and treated like a special person. You deserve sensual experiences that lead to joy.

Do all the things that you would advise a single bottom in your position to do. Place personal ads, go to leather events and look for hot daddies with their keys on the left, attend play parties, and hand your card to tops whose style you admire. For now, don't try to find the perfect relationship. Focus on building your communication skills and identifying your boundaries. Your first step is to just find someone who can do a scene with you, not finding the ultimate daddy. I am guessing that if you can find another top whose style you like, they will be open to switching with you. It's okay to request confidentiality too. The whole community doesn't have to know what you are up to, unless you feel ready to let people know you are wanting to bottom.

Don't overlook the possibility of finding a clever boi or femme who can also give you some of what you need. There are bottoms who are willing and able to fuck their tops. And if Daddy needs to wear a couple of clothespins while he's fucking away, that's okay. Whatever daddy says, goes. If you have the courage to discuss your needs in detail with a bottom, you may find that they harbor a secret ability to get you off however you like it. It's also an option to stop dating 100% bottoms. When you interview new candidates for play time, ask them if they know how to switch.

A kink-aware therapist could be a really good asset for you as you make this journey. That way, you would have someone who understood your struggle who could give you support, ask you important questions, and remind you why you began this sea change. Yes, you can move stone. Water breaks stone down into earth, which brings forth life. You are looking for more fluidity in your identity and for the fluid that represents your own yielding sexual response. Whether we are speaking of earth, air, fire, or water, no element is doomed to be stable; all of them are capable of being transmuted into a new power to reshape reality.

I hope that you will once more be able to be intimate with others, because that is such an important part of being on this world. To hold yourself apart from touch or from the sensations of arousal is a terrible price to pay to be a daddy. You've loved a lot of people closer to being healthy and self-loving. It was wise of you to recognize when you needed recharging and refueling. I hope you find the happiness that you are looking for.

You may discover that you have some gender issues that are interfering with your ability to occupy your body and allow others to touch you. If so, the presence of a therapist will be doubly helpful. Don't back away from whatever you discover. Life is short, so don't waste it lying to yourself or avoiding self-knowledge. I am not saying that you are a female-to-male transsexual. Some stone butches make a decision to transition to a male identity; many others do not. I don't know which choice is appropriate for you. But I do know that the world does not make it easy for someone to be both female-bodied and masculine. You have to be damned strong to stand up to the hostility that gets heaped on your crewcut head. I really hope there is a good Daddy out there who can take you into his or her big strong arms and love you as much as you deserve to be cherished and tended. Let me know how you do.

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