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Friday, February 20, 2009

Question

I am in my fifties and single. I dated this attractive woman my own age and eventually we decided to take it to the next level. The first time I had sex with her, I was really surprised to see that she has a very large clitoris. Fortunately, it had been a while since I had gotten lucky, and I really wanted her, so I was able to overlook my dismay and get an erection. She would like to go out again, and I am frankly reluctant because of her strange anatomy. Is it possible that she is really a man? Now that I think about it, she also complained that this one position we were in was too painful because the penetration was too deep. This is not a topic that I want to discuss with her. So I have just been avoiding her calls. But I feel guilty; am I doing the right thing?

Answer

I very much doubt that your date is a transwoman. Sex-reassignment surgery usually focuses on the creation of a vagina and labia. If the surgeon is skilled enough (and educated enough about women's sexuality) to create the facsimile of a clitoris, it won't be size XXL. But if she is, so what? You feel something for this woman. That doesn't come along every day. Why reject a potential partner just because of a physical difference? Please don't try to convince me that you don't have any imperfections. I'm sure she has her own list of your faults, but so far she has been willing to overlook them and reach out to connect with you.

It's altogether possible that your partner simply has a clitoris at the large end of the so-called normal scale. The size of that organ varies as much as the size of the penis. There's no rule that says the clitoris has to look like a seed pearl or a grain of rice. I'm just glad no enterprising OB-GYN decided to trim it off, thus rendering the poor girl incapable of orgasms. Stupid things like this happen every day to infants whose anatomy seems inappropriate to doctors who moonlight as members of the Gender Police.

The problem isn't her pussy; it's the fact that you haven't seen enough pussy to be fully educated about the wide range of color, the size and shape of the inner and outer lips, and the configuration of the clitoris. Rejecting her makes as much sense as a woman avoiding phone calls from a guy who's got one ball that's bigger than the other. That doesn't make him feminine in any way, and her clitoris doesn't make her masculine.

If you're not sure how to handle her parts in bed, just ask her to masturbate for you. Look at how she strokes her own vulva. This will give you all the info you need about how she likes to be touched.

I'm going to go into some detail about another potential explanation because it could affect this woman's health. If she doesn't know about the information below, please pass it on to her, even if you don't want to date her any more. This could be very important.

Between the years of 1938 and 1971, many women were prescribed a hormone called DES. It was supposed to prevent miscarriage, but proved to be an ineffective treatment. Instead, the sons and daughters of these women suffer from several potential health complications, including genital abnormalities and an increased risk for some types of cancer. DES daughters may have an enlarged clitoris, a T-shaped uterus, and infertility. If they do become pregnant, there is an increased risk of complications like premature delivery or ectopic pregnancy (in which the fertilized egg implants itself in a Fallopian tube instead of the uterine wall). They need special procedures to screen for rare forms of vaginal and cervical cancer.

Most of the publicity about DES focused on female children. But DES sons also exist and could experience non-cancerous growths on the testicles, infertility, and abnormal genital development. They may be more likely than the general population to have undescended testicles, a misplaced urethral opening, or a smaller penis. They may have a lower sperm count.

There are ongoing research studies about DES and its aftermath. A good gateway Website is at www.cdc.gov/DES/consumers/daughters/index/html.

You could tell your friend that you have something difficult to bring up, and you aren't sure how to discuss it in a tactful way. You are probably not the first lover who has commented on her genitalia. Ask her if she knows about DES. Unfortunately, many women didn't know or don't remember being given this medication. Some doctors have tried to cover up its use, fearing liability issues. So don't delay—she may need time to dig up medical records or interview her parents. If you can save someone from dying prematurely of a preventable cancer, isn't it worth some discomfort on your part?