Virgin Suicide

Friday, March 19, 2010

Question

I'm a 43-year-old, socially shy, inept, never-dated, no-girlfriend-ever, never-had-sex, living-at-home-with-Mom guy. Should I kill myself? Not a solution, I know, but an ending, definitely. Tired of being a virgin, tired of my inability to "get into the game," tired of psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, therapists, tired of generic advice and suggestions, tired of trying to feel good about myself, tired of being a joke.

The Reluctant Virgin

Answer

You are not a joke. You are one of millions of people struggling with love and intimacy to a radical degree. The biggest problem for those facing this challenge is the dearth of positive, common-sense information about involuntary celibacy.

How do we calmly and non-judgmentally integrate people wrestling with their sexual identities in such a fundamental way into the broader sexual culture? The degree of shame attached to this is completely out of proportion and leads to secrecy and humiliating roadblocks.

We have education systems in place for adults to catch up on many important social cues and milestones, so where the hell are our adult sex ed classes? It seems the only "educators" visible in this field are attempting to profit from your shame by attaching anger to it, suggesting you cultivate some mysterious "killer instinct," as though you'd been deliberately deprived of sex and now must treat prospective mates as quarry rather than a partners.

I say this with great confidence, Virgin: you can change your life, but you must be willing to take it in hand by integrating yourself into a sex culture that is affirmative and well-informed and by having a vested interest in your health and pleasure and that of your partners.

Many sex shops have a variety of workshops. Why not suggest to your local ones that they try some basic adult sex ed? It's difficult to connect with sex surrogates in this country, but go to the Board of Examiners in Sex Therapy and Counselling in Ontario (bestco.info) and see if you can't talk to a shrink who may have one on his or her roster. Many sex workers are also great with first-timers. Peruse the independents on the Toronto Escort Review Board and look for one to guide you through some basics.

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