w4mm: seeking non-fatal attraction

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Question

I am looking to set up an M/M/F threesome (I am the female) and I am wondering how to go about doing this without getting murdered. I don't feel comfortable fucking two of my male friends or ex-lovers, so I've been looking around online. I've had some great emails from attractive men, so what is the safest way to go about this? Meeting them first for a drink seems like an obvious thing. But what else? Do I get someone to call the hotel in the middle of it to see how it's going? "If I don't call you by X time, I'm dead—call the cops"? My friend offered to get a room in the same hotel and listen with a baby monitor. That's fucking crazy right?

I really want to have a sexy experience, but I'm a small girl and two guys could pretty much do whatever they want to me. Do I just listen to my gut and take the risk? Do you have any helpful tips for me? I know I am anxious and I don't want to let my anxiety get in the way of a great experience.

On that note, I am setting up threesomes with people I met online and because they are strangers, everyone is getting tested before and showing paperwork. I realized there is no standard form that doctors give in Ontario when it comes to this. They often think it's odd when you ask for a copy of the tests. You just need to offer to pay for the photocopies and you'll get what you need if you're persistent. It kind of bums me out when they don't want to give you the results. Shouldn't they be glad you're being overly cautious?

Anxious Threesome Girl

Answer

While safety is something you should definitely be prioritizing, you may want to tone down the murderous forecasting just a touch. I suspect that most men would rather not, after a night of no-strings sex, leave a hotel room with you in several garbage bags, so let's just begin by coaxing you back to reality.

I've never negotiated this type of threesome online myself, so I put an ad on craigslist asking people to share their F/M/M connections. Though people cruising in these social networks tend to communicate in terse, text-message-style responses (how they set up romantic trysts with that godawful grammar is beyond me), they offered some very sensible tips and stories. Just about everyone who responded said that meeting in advance is paramount and that meeting with one guy first, establishing a camaraderie, then bringing others into the fold is also a smart plan of action. Initially, "it doesn't have to involve sex," said one fellow, "but wait until you feel comfortable with him and feel that he would have your back were anything to go wrong during the encounter."

Going with your gut was also stressed by nearly everyone. A woman who responded had this to say: "Lots of chat first, feel out the nuts, set up rules. Go with your instincts—pretty much the same as every other sexual encounter. The idea that women are degraded in this is bull. I find they service me." Despite getting "the usual bullshit responses and young bucks who I have no time for," this woman has quite admirably cobbled together a small co-op of paramours for herself: "It is a hell of a turn-on and my group of play-friends are all gentlemen," she says.

To that, I would also suggest integrating yourself into real-life communities where group sex is customary. It's important to realize that many men interested in this arrangement are good-natured, respectful and completely happy letting you run the show. (And that way, when you do meet the assholes, they'll really stand out.)

Single women are very welcome at swing clubs and in Toronto, Wicked (www.wickedclub.com) would likely be the one most appealing to you. Goodhandy's (www.goodyhandys.com) may be a little, well, unprocessed for your current needs. I have met some lovely men there but I have also had some experiences that might alarm a tenderfoot (the pack of feral cab drivers clutching their folded trousers in one hand and their dicks in the other, for example) so I'd leave that till a later date.

I appreciate you wanting to keep your health in impeccable order. Many people in open sex communities uphold similar standards by following decent to rigorous safer sex practices or sleeping with a closed group. But in a way, you are barking up the wrong tree insisting on test results from strangers, as even the most up-to-the-minute papers are no substitute for safer sex.

HIV, for example, can take around three months to show up and let's face it, all the spotless records in the world aren't going to stop the raging mysophobe in you from getting online, finding terrifying statistics on even the lowest possible risks and subsequently irritating harried sexual health clinic doctors with your frantic concerns. So do yourself and everyone else a huge favour and have the safest sex possible. Oh, and fun. Try to have fun, too.