Wart’s Going On

Friday, July 08, 2011

Question

I have a date with someone who has been married and off the market for 20 years. What this means is that he has managed to avoid many of the STIs that have run amuck through the singles world, one of which I man-aged to contract in my 30s – a parting gift from a wonderful lying, cheating piece of shit: good ol’ HPV. I’ve had a few recurrences that I’ve dealt with swiftly, but how and when to bring this up?

Answer

Consider a forthcoming and openhearted letter:

Dear Prospective Date,

While you were married since the year Nirvana released Nevermind, an STI (yes, that is what we started calling STDs while you were married for two decades – it stands for Sexually Transmitted Infection; apparently that makes them seem less intimidating) ran rampant through almost every sexually active community in the universe.

I imagine you have seen advertisements for vaccinations against certain forms of it. It is called HPV, which stands for Human Papilloma Virus. Pretty, right? It’s like you have butterflies in your genitals. Butterflies that aren’t as bad as the butterflies in that Fringe episode (youtube.com/watch?v=5t5RLpowQQU), but butterflies that, if contracted, still require some care and treatment: hpvinfo.ca/adults/treatment-of-hpv/.

I was lucky enough to date a wonderful man who cheated on me, and as a reward for his stellar behaviour I contracted HPV. I have had it for blank years and have had blank recurrences. I am well versed in how to prevent transmission and would be happy to share these tips with you.

Here is my current status:

Here is how to have sex with me to avoid transmission:

Here is how to gracefully bow out of this private adventure if you are anxious:

I like to be honest about this. It can be difficult, but I feel it is the courteous thing to do. I appreciate your compassion and respect in the matter.

Sincerely,

 How does that sound? Oh, and how does this sound for a potentially awesome date, should you get past the STI discussion: nowtoronto.com/music/listings/listing.cfm?listingid=63010&subsection=&category=&nav=4).

As well, don’t assume that your gent wasn’t exposed to HPV prior to his marriage. The late 80s were a heady time for the virus as well. That’s when all my friends and I got it anyway.