By Way of Introduction: My Identity and My Uterus, Part 3: Coming Back

Friday, November 26, 2010

That? That? That wee bloody coil nearly lost in the mess of stainless steel and surgical green?

That small thing had made me feel for 10 weeks like I was crazy.

Had given me a 70 day period with some of the worst cramps I've ever had. Had given me constant and terrible PMS, to the point where I either wanted to cry or throw something 90% of the time.

Had made my body feel alien, so that when my lover touched me, it was like someone else was telling me about how good it felt. I cried every time he tried to turn me on, remembering how good it had once felt. Feeling like we had broken something that maybe couldn't be fixed.

The going story is that our emotions live in our hearts. I don't think that's right, at least not in my case. My uterus seems to be directly connected to the emotional pathways in my brain. Particularly the ones built during years of off and on depressive episodes.

The self-talk was familiar, frighteningly comfortable: everything was ruined; it would always be like this; no that won't work; how could you be so ugly; if you can't hack this you must be a failure; he can't really want you anyway.

I fought it, hoped it would get better, tried to breathe through it. Figured if I'd had the IUD in for 8 weeks, what was 10? What if at 12 weeks some switch flipped and the Demon T was the panacea I'd been hoping for? Why not wait for 13 weeks?

I look back now and can't believe I kept it in for as long as I did, considering how much tension I was carrying around in my sex parts every moment of the day. Considering how far I'd slid back into a rut I'd worked fucking hard to get out of.

Making the call to take it out was just as hard as making the call to get it in, and full of as much hope. Just that this time what I was hoping for was normal, not a panacea.

The resident who took it out of me was young and unsure. She fumbled with the tray a lot, under the kind eyes of her supervisor. But the removal went easy. A smooth tug, some pain and cramping, but nothing more. I waited for a moment: disappointment. Nothing was different. I still felt terrible, hopeless. Then there was a small ripple, then a small wave and I felt the tension around my uterus start to melt. I didn't want to upset the doctors by crying, but I couldn't help it.

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