We Shall Overcome

Friday, March 12, 2010

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and I just don't feel horny with him. I sleep with him, yes, and it's not all that bad, but I just don't get turned on. Which is not the case with other guys. I see some guys at school, and it's, like, OMG, I wanna screw them. I want them to screw me. What do I do? Is there another answer besides a) make an effort in your relationship for your sex life b) break up c) try to negotiate an open relationship (cuz he's not into that at all, like, no way. We already had a few talks about that).

Is there any other way?

As well, I've never in my life come with a guy inside me. I'm 23 years old and it's starting to get frustrating. I've come by hand, by mouth/lips/tongue, by vibrator (that's an easy one) and even by rubbing my clit on his dick. But never with someone inside—not with my boyfriend or with anyone else before.What do I do?

Kinda Frustrating

Answer

It bears repeating to women who think they're not normal because they don't have orgasms during intercourse that orgasms during intercourse are fairly rare. I'm not a huge fan of sexual statistics, because they advance the idea that anonymous sex surveys are integral to how we interpret and express our own personal pleasure, but those that have been done put the number at around 30 per cent.

You access your orgasm via the tip of your clitoris, so making sure that it's being given plenty of attention during sex should be a priority, not a concern. Exploring the other parts of it and looking at diagrams of clitoral anatomy (there are some good ones in Rebecca Chalker's book The Clitoral Truth (Seven Stories) may provide you with some interesting new access points, but remember to do this with patience and an open mind. We are not invading Poland here—we're just trying to have some fun.

Now let's have a look at the not so small matter of your relationship. If I'm reading your letter correctly, you fuck your boyfriend despite the fact that you don't feel attracted to him. You mention nothing about a special connection, other than the fact that you've been together three years. You do know that the passage of time doesn't oblige you to remain in a relationship that's stale or unsatisfying, right? You're not collecting air miles for staying with someone.

Still, all the possibilities you have named are actually options you could explore: trying new things to reignite sexual interest, a breakup or an open relationship. But all those possibilities take work, sometimes unpleasant work, and it seems that's the thing you're not willing to face. Part of getting involved with someone is negotiating changing needs, and if nobody's willing to do that, well, it seems your only alternative is to get married. (Kidding, sort of).

Generally, you need to start looking at the viable options that are right in front of you rather than focusing only on the impossibilities.

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