The World of Sex

Friday, July 30, 2010

Question

I am a 31-year-old straight male, fairly experienced with long-term relationships but much more experienced being single. Single guy wants threesome – like what guy doesn't?

I've had a few experiences but definitely want more. Relationship threesomes are always awkward, and she never really wants to "share" her boy friend, no matter what she says beforehand. I'm single and looking for that perfect threesome I had once before when I was single, but I don't know where to start looking. I can't go to a bar and approach some cute girl, saying, "Hey, I'm looking to have a threesome with you and another girl."

There are ads in the paper, but those look pretty dirty and scary. I would like to think I don't need to pay for it, and hope to learn about where to go to find these things. You have mentioned "orgy parties." Are those through friends, or is it possible for me to check out an orgy party? I don't know anybody like that, so I assume I'm shit out of luck. That isn't exactly what I'm looking for anyway, but at least it's closer to my dream than where I am now. I don't know if I'm looking for an answer – more like advice.

Answer

Nope, you're looking for an answer. In fact, you're looking for The Answer. (There should be a book called Men Are Looking For The Answer, Women Are Looking For The Secret.) The question whose answer you're looking for is "How do I get what's usually reserved for rock/rap/porn stars, Vice magazine owners and gay men?" The Description of which is "When tequila shots are five for 10 bucks at your local and the next thing you know you're in a cab with the universe asleep at the wheel wedged between a smirking blond with Crumbian thighs and this guy with a heeyooge dick (not that size matters), and then 15 minutes later you're all fucking each others' brains out to Jon Spencer Blues Explosion's Extra Width."

Yes, looking back on my own his tory, sometimes sex columnists get to be part of that hallowed group as well. And on that note, I look forward to sharing my experiences in Vegas at the Desiree Alliance conference in next week's column. It turns out that a hookers convention in Sin City is as much fun as it sounds like.

Anyhoo, here's the thing about per fect sex: if you want it, you have to lay some groundwork. That's why we use the word "lay" when we talk about things like foundation or ground work.

Get involved in activities that girls think are sexy, like music, art or money. It's not too late for you to learn how to play guitar. My former superintendent has the media in an uproar at the moment with his new band; if he can do it, so can you.

Be a "renegade." Chicks love that shit. But if you're all like, "Fuck that noise, I want bitches to like me for who I am," then you can sit around with the rest of the civilian male population and wait for an accident to happen like two (non-dirty and unscary?) girls drunkenly dancing into you at a bar and your dick falling into a pussy (or was it a purse? Oh well, too late, already updated your Facebook status!)

Here's the other thing about perfect sex: it is a dangerous thing to covet. You get all fixated on a flawless, liability-free scene from your textbook-erection youth ("Now touch the pillow! No! Not like that, with your other finger. Now say 'velvet' like you're in a Scotch ad from the 70s.... Oh, never mind – I lost my boner.") and then you spend eternity aggrieved that it remains perpetually, purposefully even, out of reach.

What you may never fully grasp is that you stumbled by sheer dumb luck into that perfect threesome, and looking at your dopey ideas about girl friend threesomes, overtly desirous women and sex work, you didn't even deserve it. (And, yeah, you're right, you shouldn't pay for it, because nothing is more annoying to hookers than a customer who moans the whole time about having to dole out for their service. Fuck, imagine if every time someone sat down in a restaurant he insisted on seeing the chef so he could harangue him about how he could just as easily prepare his own meal at home.)

My advice? Expand your expectations yet be able to walk away from experiences like Alec Baldwin in the car crash in State And Main saying, "So that happened!" Develop a sense of hu mour and a little more respect for the beauty of memory and masturbation, and if you want to check out a sex party, look for the nights when single gents are welcome at Good handy's or Wicked. And fer chrissake, don't use the term "orgy party" – there's a naïveté to it that's really pervy. And not in a good way.

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